Time to think

It has been a while since I have posted anything on here.  I have been caught up in the craziness of life, and am enjoying a quiet evening while sitting here thinking about my little boy.
In 2 more days my rainbow girls will have there first birthday.  I have been busy planning to make sure everything turns out perfectly. My babies will soon be toddlers, they are already walking and getting into everything.  I am incredibly blessed to have these little girls in my life (and their big sister too!) But as the days get closer and closer to their birthday I am struck with the fact I never got to do this for my son.  This year we should have celebrated his second birthday and instead nothing went as planned.  I never got to make him a birthday cake and watch him smash it to pieces.  I never got to wrap up gifts and watch him play with them.  Some days I am so sad that I missed out on all these beautiful moments I wish I could have had with him.  Hugs and kisses and even the messes, I miss them all.  He never said a first work, learned to crawl or walk, I never even got to take him home and tuck him into bed. Wake up for middle of the night feedings, or change those crazy blow out diapers.  No milestones, no birthday parties.
The twins never have and never will replace Emery.  He is my only son, my angel.  Even though I missed out on so many experiences with him.  He gave me more then I could ever imagine.  He taught me to be a better mom, to love all my girls and hold them close.  I feel like this time I have enjoyed them being little and learning, instead of waiting for them to grow.
All day today I have thought about the fact that tomorrow is the last day I will have "babies"  my babies are growing up.  But sitting here tonight I know I will always have a baby.  My little boy never got to grow up.  My son is always going to be my baby.  My little boy always.

Mother's Day

It has been quite a while since I have written, though I think about Emery every day our lives have been so incredibly busy.  Today though I am reminded about how much my son changed my heart.  

It is my second Mother's Day since I held my little boy, and I sit here and try to remember how he felt in my arms.  Most mothers spend this day hugging their children, updating everyone with new pictures and showing off their babies. Angel moms though spend the day looking through old pictures and trying to remember every moment they can.  All the moments are already memories, no new pictures waiting to be captured.  Mother's Day can be one of the harder holidays.  It's a holiday dedicated to celebrating you but without babies it's not a holiday for you. So when your baby is gone it's a time that is accompanied by some sadness.

I miss my son today.  I miss how he felt in my arms.  I miss being pregnant with him, and getting to know the amazing little boy he was.  He changed my life and things will never be the same.  I learned a new kind of love and about how completely you can fall in love even when they are not around each day.  My son has given me so much, a new appreciation for life, God and my family. And now because of my son (yes I really believe this) I have 2 beautiful newborns keeping me busy.  If it hadn't been for our hello and goodbye with Emery, we wouldn't have these babies.  I know he knew how much we missed him and he picked out the perfect little sisters.  The way they stare at his pictures just make me even more sure they know who he is.  They brought a new brightness into my life and into my Mother's Day.  And though my arms may be full now there is always a place in me for Emery.  He felt different in my arms, somehow they knew they were holding and angel, and that feeling will never be replaced no matter how many times I rock his sisters the same way I rocked him.

I miss him so very much, today and all days. I am so thankful for him and for the guardian angel I know he is to all 3 of his sisters.

I love you Emery. Thank you for letting me be your mom!

All 4 of my babies.  

Happy Birthday

11:55 am.  February 6th 2013 I gave birth to my son.  After 61 hours of labor he finally made his entrance.  I was thankful for my long labor, thankful I had more time before I had to say goodbye.  As they laid him on my chest the nurse handed me her stethoscope, so I could listen to his precious heart beat.  What a moment, though my son didnt take a breath, or move on his own he was alive.  That little heart that fought so hard over the past few days to keep on going still held on strong to meet his mom and dad.  I passed the stethoscope to my husband and watched the excitement on his face, the love in his eyes as he looked at his son.  We talked about how long his hair was and how many rolls this little baby of mine had.  Over the next few minutes his heartbeat began to fade out.  11 minutes my baby boy lived on this earth with us, but that was all he needed.  He got what he came her for, the love of his parents.  His heart may have beaten for the last time in my arms, though one day it will save another precious baby.  That baby will carry a piece of my son forever, not that they need to know it, but I will know it.
Throughout his birthday the rest of the family got to meet Emery.  He got baptized and we got to give him a bath.  It was a beautiful day.  Though there were tears I was so happy to look around this hospital room and see everyone smiling.  It was a day about love, and about family and it was so peaceful.  Without us knowing time quickly faded away.  By the evening time it was just Emery, his dad and I again.  We talked to him, held him and loved him.  Stamped hand prints and footprints and tried to memorize every inch of our amazing little boy.  We got 12 hours with out son.  As the nurse came in to take him away it was nearly impossible to give him up.  I wanted to stay in that moment with him forever.  But I knew by saying goodbye at that point another baby would get a piece of his strong heart, and for me that was worth it.  His life would touch a strangers, and keep them from having to say goodbye the way that we were, what an incredible gift.
An hour after we had said goodbye we walked to the nurses station, we wanted to show the nurse who had helped us how the 3d mold of Emery's hand turned out.  Every detail, the lines, the fingernails it was prefect.  We got up to the nurses and she had gone on lunch break.  They told me they had all been touched by Emery, even the ones who werent in the room.  I guess when my nurse had left the room with him she walked out to the nurses station and rocked him.  So touched by the impact he had left that she wasnt ready to say goodbye either.  The other nurses all took a turn holding him too before they actually left the floor.  Though slightly jealous they got a little extra time with him I was so touched that they cared about my baby boy so much.  I still think of them often and know they are there for all the other moms, in happy times and sad.  I am so thankful they were there for me.
As this past year has flown by and I think of the time I had with my son I am somewhere between happiness and sadness.  Sad it has been a year since I got to hold him, touch him and kiss him.  But I am so happy for the lessons he taught me, and the blessings that have come from his life.  As I go through what I am sure will be a roller coaster of emotions today I know I have an amazing guardian angel watching out for his family.  I know he is celebrating with the angels, and watching us celebrate here without him.
Thank you Emery for being my son.  For touching my heart and showing me how beautiful life can be.  I miss you today and every day.  Happy birthday, and first year in Heaven.

Mom and twins

I am completely aware of the fact I never finished the other half of the blog I planned to.  My mind has kind of been completely scattered as well as my life being very busy.  Though I normally turn to writing I just couldn't create any words that would make any sense.  Besides the fact that thinking about sitting down and writing became so stressful for me.  My last blog included the big news about Emery becoming a big brother. And the surprising bits about it being TWINS!  Well what it didn't include was the news we got the day after our 12 week appointment.
October 22nd we learned that both our twins looked "so far so good" and neither had anencephaly.  The day after though, I received a terrible call that the pneumonia my mom had was getting worse.  I felt so bad for her that she had been sick for weeks and now was in the hospital because she just wasnt getting better.  I hadnt even been able to talk to her on the phone for a couple weeks because she would cough so badly if she tried to talk.  Shortly after finding out she was in the hospital I got a call at work from my brother, who was hysterical.  He told me my mom had leukemia.  I felt like I was going to faint.  After that my husband called to tell me my dad had called, and I explained to him why.  Then I called my dad back and told him we were going to come, now.  I just had to tell my boss I was leaving.  I got in my car and drove home.  When I parked at my house a dragonfly flew over head, over my house and down the back.  I walked inside and started to cry.  I was so worried about my mom and what was going to happen.  My husband was there waiting, with our bags already packed! Somehow though that dragonfly comforted me, I knew it was Emery telling me it was going to be ok.
Well the past few months my mom has been through a roller coaster.  She had to fight off her pneumonia and then they started her on chemo.  Thankfully that first round of chemo helped and she is officially in remission! Tonight though she is finishing up some more chemo just to keep her in remission as she awaits a bone marrow transplant, which should probably happen the end of January.  We continue to pray for her every day as she fights hard to get better and stay better!
Then after all that we have some more news about the twins.  No they haven't suddenly turned into triplets :) We have finally made it to our 20 week ultrasound.  I was so terrified in the weeks and days leading up to the appointment, actually the morning of my appointment I woke up at 2:30 and was unable to go back to sleep, even for 5 minutes.  I had even crazy irrational fears, like what if they suddenly had anencephaly (like that makes sense!) Plus 20 weeks is when they can tell you if there are any other types of birth defects, anything from spina bifeda, to a heart defect, to bones, to a cleft lip.  I was petrified, after going through the ultrasound diagnosis with Emery I just had such a big fear.  Well I made it through the 2 hour appointment.  It took longer then normal because 1 baby would block another baby and it took longer to get the pictures they needed.  BUT both babies look absolutely how they should!  I can not be more thankful, I am sure Emery was looking out for his 2 little baby sisters.  We are just a few months away from welcoming 2 new baby girls into our family and we feel so blessed.
It has been weird some days finding a way to relax about the babies, and to not feel to guilty for being excited.  Some days it is also hard for me to really believe that a baby will be coming home with us, and not just one but 2!  After losing a baby it is certainly a hard fear to let go of, but feeling these little girls move sure keeps me smiling!  We have been stocking up as we find good deals on things as we will be needing double and I don't hardly have anything left from when our daughter was a baby! For the next few months, and hopefully at least 14 more weeks we will keep praying as these beautiful babies keep growing, and hope that they stay put until its safe enough for them to come out. I am guessing/hoping for April sometime.  I will keep trying to update as we go through this journey and Emery becomes a big brother, and guardian angel to now 3 sisters.

Catching up

So the past few months have been unreal for me so it has been hard to keep up with posting stuff.  It started shortly before the last blog I wrote.  We found out we were expecting.  It was a dizzying feeling!  I kept thinking it cant be real, and will this baby be ok?  It was a lot to keep going day by day.  Keeping my mouth shut and praying constantly to be having a healthy baby.  All the emotions I had experienced with Emery seemed right at the surface and I felt constantly one step away from breaking down.  Babies are a happy time right?  But for many families once you lose a baby, a pregnancy becomes a terrifying time, you try desperately to enjoy, but mostly are just happy you make it out the other end.
So here I am, 5 weeks pregnant calling my doctor.  The doctor who saw me when I had the molar pregnancy, and then the entire time with Emery.  I figured they would understand my urgency in wanting to get in right?  If it was a molar pregnancy I would need a D&C.  I knew it was too early to know about anencephaly, but they could definitely tell me if it was a molar pregnancy.  There were a few things I thought were weird starting with this pregnancy that based on my past made another molar seem very possible.  First the test I took was VERY positive.  Like the pregnancy line was positive before the control like ever showed up.  Second I also felt like I was getting bigger much fast then I should have.  Knowing all of this my doctors office said, we will get you in, in a few weeks, then we will schedule an ultrasound after that.  So here I am frustrated and scared I started calling doctors.  I called all the doctors in my city and it was going to be weeks to see them, or the had to approve me or blah blah blah!!  Finally I decided to call the specialist who confirmed Emery's diagnosis.  He is an hour away but said he would see me for my next pregnancy, and as if I wasnt having a frustrating enough time with doctors, he wasnt in the office anymore and no one knew where he was at now, and THEY couldnt get me in without a referal.  I was about to cry and I thought of 1 last idea.  I called the doctor who delivered Marlee.  I loved him, but when we moved it didnt seem practical to drive an hour away when there was a doctor walking distance from my house!  WELL they got me in within less then a week, ultrasound first then an appointment.  An hour drive was nothing to find out if I would need surgery again.
SO September 10th, my appointment day.  We take Marlee to school and set off to the doctor.  I felt dizzy driving up there and sick to my stomach in the waiting room.  I just wanted to get through the end.  Finally we get called in for the ultrasound.  The tech rights that she is checking for "viability".  I hold my husbands hand and my breath as she starts the ultrasound.  I look at the screen and say, "why does it look like that?" she zooms in and I burst out crying,  I could see 2 tiny little sacks.  She said it is TWINS!! I wish I had seen my husbands face!  We listened to both heartbeats and she told us they were fraternal, took a few pics then sent us back into the waiting room.  I dont think either of us knew how to react, especially in the waiting room in front of other people!!  Here I was dizzy again, but this time from shock!  We were thrilled, unbelievably SHOCKED, but thrilled.  Not once did I worry about two.  I thanked God for the gift and Emery for looking out for not 1 but 2 little babies.  Now we needed to pray doublely that each baby would be healthy.  But for now we were just so happy and blessed.

Now began a 6 week wait to be able to see the babies again and determine whether or not they have anencephaly.  Those 6 weeks were filled with some worry, lots of prayers, and convincing myself to relax cuz it was out of my hands anyway.  We told a couple people along the way, our families and a few friends. But most everyone didn't know.  We wanted to know WHAT we were telling people before we told them. So finally those weeks were up and we were headed to see the specialist.  My doctor wanted me to do the ultrasound at a specialist based on my history.  October 22nd we head to the office.  Once again my nerves are all over the place and I am just focusing on getting through.  My husband though was walking around outside the waiting room and came in and dragged me out.  He took me around the corner and showed me a glass carving of not one but 2 dragonflies.  He said, "that is Emery telling us that BOTH babies will be ok".  He grabbed my hand and we headed back into the waiting room and I found a strange new calm about me.  We talked to the genetic counselor.  She said the risk is about 1-2% per baby.  And any daughters we had would have a 1% chance, and maybe even half that, if they take a high dose of folic acid before they get pregnant.  They talked about family history and down syndrome, as I told them that doesnt matter to me! I just want a baby who can grow up in my home, with or without down syndrome that will be a LOVED baby and I didnt want the extra blood tests.  Next we went into the ultrasound.  She showed us not one but 2 beautiful round heads.  They also both have two arms, 2 legs, hearts, stomachs, and kidneys.  Everything they could see at 12 weeks looked completely normal and healthy.  What a relief!  Babies look ok!  I went through with our announcement and told everyone we were expecting 2 babies.
We have set our appointment for the 20 week one and I cannot WAIT to get there.  I cant wait to know all organs function correctly and there is nothing they can see wrong.  It is still hard to shake.  Now that I know how much can go wrong, I always have some amount of fear.   Continued prayers are greatly appreciated, and I will finish with more of "our story" (unrelated to the twins) another day.

There was a boy

Today is mine and my husband's 4th anniversary.  It is a day filled with mixed emotions.  Last year this date was when we found out we were having a boy.  I had a regular check up and begged the midwife to check and see if she could see the sex of the baby.  There he was, our son, bouncing all over.  We got the goofiest view ever because he wouldn't let us see his butt.  But he was doing the splits so we could see from the side that he was a boy.  She said I would wait a few weeks to tell everyone until our official appointment since it was a goofy view and it was a few weeks earlier then she likes to normally tell people.  What did we do?  We called our families, and then waited to tell everyone else.  We were so excited, first grandson on both sides, and I had dreamed of a son.  But the happy announcement we expected never came.

After the ultrasound I stopped at the lab to do blood work quickly.  It was the downs syndrome test, figured no big deal so might as well do it.  Little did I know I would get the call a week later that changed everything.  On the 12th I got 3 missed calls from my doctor, SO WEIRD it made me nervous.  On the 13th I called back right away, and got the word 75-80 percent chance that my baby had a brain or spinal defect.  I panicked!

Well my announcement of our son came along with the news that he had anencephaly.  Not a way I would ever think I would announce my son.  It is hard to believe it has been a year since such a happy day, turned into a time that was shortly clouded by such heartbreak.  I wondered how today would go for me, besides our anniversary its a reminder of how different I thought my life would be.  I thought I would have my almost 7 month old son here in our house, playing learning and growing.  Instead its pictures and memories, something I never expected a year ago.  I had a son, for a very short time.  I think of him every day and today is no exception.  That little boy changed my life and I love and miss him so much.

Kindergarten

It is crazy to think about how fast time goes.  How quickly babies turn into kids with personalities and opinions.  Tomorrow morning at this time I will be getting my daughter ready for her first day of Kindergarten! It is an official goodbye to her baby years, and its the new chapter of her life as a school aged kid.  From tomorrow for the next 13 years we will be up in the mornings getting ready for school and then she will be out on her own, paving her own way through life and the world.  I am so happy for my daughter to be growing up.  But it leaves a hole in my heart.  I have no baby anymore.  My oldest is hardly a baby anymore, and my son isnt here for me to baby.  

This time last year I imagined life differently.  I was 15 weeks pregnant and imagined pushing the baby in a stroller to drop her off at school in the morning.  I planned on coming home, cleaning then sitting down to play with the baby as I worked on some homework. Instead after I drop her off at school I will be coming home to an empty house.  No child running around making noise and messes.  It is a much different thing then I planned for.  I am so happy for my daughter, but at the same time it brings up so much in me about how much I am missing Emery.

6 months of dragonflies

It has been 6 months since the one day I got to spend with my son in my arms.  6 months have flown by and dragged at the same time.  It feels like 6 years and 6 days at the same time.  I miss my son every day, but I am so thankful for all the dragonflies I have seen.  Can you believe 6 months with at least 1 new dragonfly every day?  That is 182 new dragonflies, how lucky am I?  I have seen them in all sorts of ways, people have bought me dragonfly things, and I have bought some myself.  I have seen pictures online and friends have taken their own pictures for me.  Every time I see one I smile, its my way of assuring myself he is ok, I cant shake the feeling that HE is the one sending them to me.  I love my little bug so much and thought I would share some of the dragonflies I have seen over the past 6 months.  I don't have pictures of every one I have seen...but I do have quite a lot :)