Peace in Death

I wrote this yesterday and never finished it!  I felt like there was more that should be said but I was at a loss of words...well 24 hours later and no more words have come to mind.... so here it is.

Death is an awful thing that unfortunately everyone has to face at some point in their lifetime.  Whether it is your baby, family, friends and even acquaintances facing the death of someone in your life always brings some interesting challenges.  Death and goodbye's are heavy on my mind today after I woke up to the news today that my younger brother's best friend killed himself yesterday.  I never saw him much, and it had been a few years since I saw him at all, but I can only imagine how helpless everyone who loved him is feeling.  Since death is an inevitable part of life the ones who are left behind must learn to find peace within the life lost.   As unfair and unreal as life may seem it plays out exactly according to plan.  Be thankful for the good times, move past any bad.  Remember the reason's you cared so much and your last goodbye.  The most we can hope for is a happy last day, a peaceful goodbye and strength over the upcoming days or weeks as you learn to readjust to life without that person in your life.

One year ago

This Friday marks a whole year since we found out we were expecting "a healthy baby" according to our doctor.  I had an appointment June 21, 2013.  Walking into that appointment I was expecting to hear that the molar pregnancy had come back and I would indeed need chemo.  The 18th I had talked to a nurse who told me my HCG had jumped to 22,000 in a month, and that there was no way it could be a normal pregnancy.  We were shocked to be staring at the ultrasound screen and watching that little heartbeat pound away.  Little did we know our precious miracle baby had already been handed his death sentence.  I was 6 weeks 5 days when I found out I was pregnant and already my baby's time with us was being counted down.  Though we were unaware of the hardship we would soon be facing.
This was supposed to be my perfect pregnancy.  We found out we were expecting the day after our daughters 4th birthday.  Then our wedding anniversary we were going to find out the sex, and my mother in law's birthday was the day before my due date.
My days flew by this week as we celebrated my daughters birthday from Thursday until now, I almost forgot what time of year this was.  Forever May-February will be marked by days where "milestones" in Emery's time with us happened.  It is a very weird way to look at a calendar, but I am thinking these dates will stick with me forever.  Today, one year ago was the day we told our families about the pregnancy.  It was our daughters birthday party and after only family was left we told them.  They were excited and wanted us to have a boy.
One year has flown by.  How has a year gone by?  A year filled with joy, and so much heartbreak.  I should be holding a 4 and a half month old baby happy, watching him learn.  Instead I am empty armed and broken hearted.  Thankfully I have a very amazing a silly girl to keep me busy and smiling on all these rough "milestone" days.