Mom and twins

I am completely aware of the fact I never finished the other half of the blog I planned to.  My mind has kind of been completely scattered as well as my life being very busy.  Though I normally turn to writing I just couldn't create any words that would make any sense.  Besides the fact that thinking about sitting down and writing became so stressful for me.  My last blog included the big news about Emery becoming a big brother. And the surprising bits about it being TWINS!  Well what it didn't include was the news we got the day after our 12 week appointment.
October 22nd we learned that both our twins looked "so far so good" and neither had anencephaly.  The day after though, I received a terrible call that the pneumonia my mom had was getting worse.  I felt so bad for her that she had been sick for weeks and now was in the hospital because she just wasnt getting better.  I hadnt even been able to talk to her on the phone for a couple weeks because she would cough so badly if she tried to talk.  Shortly after finding out she was in the hospital I got a call at work from my brother, who was hysterical.  He told me my mom had leukemia.  I felt like I was going to faint.  After that my husband called to tell me my dad had called, and I explained to him why.  Then I called my dad back and told him we were going to come, now.  I just had to tell my boss I was leaving.  I got in my car and drove home.  When I parked at my house a dragonfly flew over head, over my house and down the back.  I walked inside and started to cry.  I was so worried about my mom and what was going to happen.  My husband was there waiting, with our bags already packed! Somehow though that dragonfly comforted me, I knew it was Emery telling me it was going to be ok.
Well the past few months my mom has been through a roller coaster.  She had to fight off her pneumonia and then they started her on chemo.  Thankfully that first round of chemo helped and she is officially in remission! Tonight though she is finishing up some more chemo just to keep her in remission as she awaits a bone marrow transplant, which should probably happen the end of January.  We continue to pray for her every day as she fights hard to get better and stay better!
Then after all that we have some more news about the twins.  No they haven't suddenly turned into triplets :) We have finally made it to our 20 week ultrasound.  I was so terrified in the weeks and days leading up to the appointment, actually the morning of my appointment I woke up at 2:30 and was unable to go back to sleep, even for 5 minutes.  I had even crazy irrational fears, like what if they suddenly had anencephaly (like that makes sense!) Plus 20 weeks is when they can tell you if there are any other types of birth defects, anything from spina bifeda, to a heart defect, to bones, to a cleft lip.  I was petrified, after going through the ultrasound diagnosis with Emery I just had such a big fear.  Well I made it through the 2 hour appointment.  It took longer then normal because 1 baby would block another baby and it took longer to get the pictures they needed.  BUT both babies look absolutely how they should!  I can not be more thankful, I am sure Emery was looking out for his 2 little baby sisters.  We are just a few months away from welcoming 2 new baby girls into our family and we feel so blessed.
It has been weird some days finding a way to relax about the babies, and to not feel to guilty for being excited.  Some days it is also hard for me to really believe that a baby will be coming home with us, and not just one but 2!  After losing a baby it is certainly a hard fear to let go of, but feeling these little girls move sure keeps me smiling!  We have been stocking up as we find good deals on things as we will be needing double and I don't hardly have anything left from when our daughter was a baby! For the next few months, and hopefully at least 14 more weeks we will keep praying as these beautiful babies keep growing, and hope that they stay put until its safe enough for them to come out. I am guessing/hoping for April sometime.  I will keep trying to update as we go through this journey and Emery becomes a big brother, and guardian angel to now 3 sisters.

Catching up

So the past few months have been unreal for me so it has been hard to keep up with posting stuff.  It started shortly before the last blog I wrote.  We found out we were expecting.  It was a dizzying feeling!  I kept thinking it cant be real, and will this baby be ok?  It was a lot to keep going day by day.  Keeping my mouth shut and praying constantly to be having a healthy baby.  All the emotions I had experienced with Emery seemed right at the surface and I felt constantly one step away from breaking down.  Babies are a happy time right?  But for many families once you lose a baby, a pregnancy becomes a terrifying time, you try desperately to enjoy, but mostly are just happy you make it out the other end.
So here I am, 5 weeks pregnant calling my doctor.  The doctor who saw me when I had the molar pregnancy, and then the entire time with Emery.  I figured they would understand my urgency in wanting to get in right?  If it was a molar pregnancy I would need a D&C.  I knew it was too early to know about anencephaly, but they could definitely tell me if it was a molar pregnancy.  There were a few things I thought were weird starting with this pregnancy that based on my past made another molar seem very possible.  First the test I took was VERY positive.  Like the pregnancy line was positive before the control like ever showed up.  Second I also felt like I was getting bigger much fast then I should have.  Knowing all of this my doctors office said, we will get you in, in a few weeks, then we will schedule an ultrasound after that.  So here I am frustrated and scared I started calling doctors.  I called all the doctors in my city and it was going to be weeks to see them, or the had to approve me or blah blah blah!!  Finally I decided to call the specialist who confirmed Emery's diagnosis.  He is an hour away but said he would see me for my next pregnancy, and as if I wasnt having a frustrating enough time with doctors, he wasnt in the office anymore and no one knew where he was at now, and THEY couldnt get me in without a referal.  I was about to cry and I thought of 1 last idea.  I called the doctor who delivered Marlee.  I loved him, but when we moved it didnt seem practical to drive an hour away when there was a doctor walking distance from my house!  WELL they got me in within less then a week, ultrasound first then an appointment.  An hour drive was nothing to find out if I would need surgery again.
SO September 10th, my appointment day.  We take Marlee to school and set off to the doctor.  I felt dizzy driving up there and sick to my stomach in the waiting room.  I just wanted to get through the end.  Finally we get called in for the ultrasound.  The tech rights that she is checking for "viability".  I hold my husbands hand and my breath as she starts the ultrasound.  I look at the screen and say, "why does it look like that?" she zooms in and I burst out crying,  I could see 2 tiny little sacks.  She said it is TWINS!! I wish I had seen my husbands face!  We listened to both heartbeats and she told us they were fraternal, took a few pics then sent us back into the waiting room.  I dont think either of us knew how to react, especially in the waiting room in front of other people!!  Here I was dizzy again, but this time from shock!  We were thrilled, unbelievably SHOCKED, but thrilled.  Not once did I worry about two.  I thanked God for the gift and Emery for looking out for not 1 but 2 little babies.  Now we needed to pray doublely that each baby would be healthy.  But for now we were just so happy and blessed.

Now began a 6 week wait to be able to see the babies again and determine whether or not they have anencephaly.  Those 6 weeks were filled with some worry, lots of prayers, and convincing myself to relax cuz it was out of my hands anyway.  We told a couple people along the way, our families and a few friends. But most everyone didn't know.  We wanted to know WHAT we were telling people before we told them. So finally those weeks were up and we were headed to see the specialist.  My doctor wanted me to do the ultrasound at a specialist based on my history.  October 22nd we head to the office.  Once again my nerves are all over the place and I am just focusing on getting through.  My husband though was walking around outside the waiting room and came in and dragged me out.  He took me around the corner and showed me a glass carving of not one but 2 dragonflies.  He said, "that is Emery telling us that BOTH babies will be ok".  He grabbed my hand and we headed back into the waiting room and I found a strange new calm about me.  We talked to the genetic counselor.  She said the risk is about 1-2% per baby.  And any daughters we had would have a 1% chance, and maybe even half that, if they take a high dose of folic acid before they get pregnant.  They talked about family history and down syndrome, as I told them that doesnt matter to me! I just want a baby who can grow up in my home, with or without down syndrome that will be a LOVED baby and I didnt want the extra blood tests.  Next we went into the ultrasound.  She showed us not one but 2 beautiful round heads.  They also both have two arms, 2 legs, hearts, stomachs, and kidneys.  Everything they could see at 12 weeks looked completely normal and healthy.  What a relief!  Babies look ok!  I went through with our announcement and told everyone we were expecting 2 babies.
We have set our appointment for the 20 week one and I cannot WAIT to get there.  I cant wait to know all organs function correctly and there is nothing they can see wrong.  It is still hard to shake.  Now that I know how much can go wrong, I always have some amount of fear.   Continued prayers are greatly appreciated, and I will finish with more of "our story" (unrelated to the twins) another day.

There was a boy

Today is mine and my husband's 4th anniversary.  It is a day filled with mixed emotions.  Last year this date was when we found out we were having a boy.  I had a regular check up and begged the midwife to check and see if she could see the sex of the baby.  There he was, our son, bouncing all over.  We got the goofiest view ever because he wouldn't let us see his butt.  But he was doing the splits so we could see from the side that he was a boy.  She said I would wait a few weeks to tell everyone until our official appointment since it was a goofy view and it was a few weeks earlier then she likes to normally tell people.  What did we do?  We called our families, and then waited to tell everyone else.  We were so excited, first grandson on both sides, and I had dreamed of a son.  But the happy announcement we expected never came.

After the ultrasound I stopped at the lab to do blood work quickly.  It was the downs syndrome test, figured no big deal so might as well do it.  Little did I know I would get the call a week later that changed everything.  On the 12th I got 3 missed calls from my doctor, SO WEIRD it made me nervous.  On the 13th I called back right away, and got the word 75-80 percent chance that my baby had a brain or spinal defect.  I panicked!

Well my announcement of our son came along with the news that he had anencephaly.  Not a way I would ever think I would announce my son.  It is hard to believe it has been a year since such a happy day, turned into a time that was shortly clouded by such heartbreak.  I wondered how today would go for me, besides our anniversary its a reminder of how different I thought my life would be.  I thought I would have my almost 7 month old son here in our house, playing learning and growing.  Instead its pictures and memories, something I never expected a year ago.  I had a son, for a very short time.  I think of him every day and today is no exception.  That little boy changed my life and I love and miss him so much.

Kindergarten

It is crazy to think about how fast time goes.  How quickly babies turn into kids with personalities and opinions.  Tomorrow morning at this time I will be getting my daughter ready for her first day of Kindergarten! It is an official goodbye to her baby years, and its the new chapter of her life as a school aged kid.  From tomorrow for the next 13 years we will be up in the mornings getting ready for school and then she will be out on her own, paving her own way through life and the world.  I am so happy for my daughter to be growing up.  But it leaves a hole in my heart.  I have no baby anymore.  My oldest is hardly a baby anymore, and my son isnt here for me to baby.  

This time last year I imagined life differently.  I was 15 weeks pregnant and imagined pushing the baby in a stroller to drop her off at school in the morning.  I planned on coming home, cleaning then sitting down to play with the baby as I worked on some homework. Instead after I drop her off at school I will be coming home to an empty house.  No child running around making noise and messes.  It is a much different thing then I planned for.  I am so happy for my daughter, but at the same time it brings up so much in me about how much I am missing Emery.

6 months of dragonflies

It has been 6 months since the one day I got to spend with my son in my arms.  6 months have flown by and dragged at the same time.  It feels like 6 years and 6 days at the same time.  I miss my son every day, but I am so thankful for all the dragonflies I have seen.  Can you believe 6 months with at least 1 new dragonfly every day?  That is 182 new dragonflies, how lucky am I?  I have seen them in all sorts of ways, people have bought me dragonfly things, and I have bought some myself.  I have seen pictures online and friends have taken their own pictures for me.  Every time I see one I smile, its my way of assuring myself he is ok, I cant shake the feeling that HE is the one sending them to me.  I love my little bug so much and thought I would share some of the dragonflies I have seen over the past 6 months.  I don't have pictures of every one I have seen...but I do have quite a lot :)