Why me?

The inevitable question that at some point most people ask them selves during their lifetime, why me?  After you say goodbye to your child it has to be a natural question to think about.  Why did I lose my baby? Why do other's get to have theirs a lifetime, when all I have is a moment?  Did I do something wrong? Did I deserve this?  There are people out there who are horrible parents, use drugs, abuse or neglect their kids, and here I am, able to give my child a loving home and they aren't even able to live there.  You cannot help but question the reason you were one of the ones to know what it is like to experience losing a child.  Blaming God, questioning his motive as to why awful parents get to keep such beautiful children that they take for granted when you are left empty handed.

In rough times sometimes you think "God does not give you more then you can handle".  But is that true?  Have you ever thought maybe we picked this journey ourselves?   Knowing what this life would entail and choosing to be a part of it?  It is an interesting idea that maybe back before we were born, before we can remember somehow we chose this journey.  Did we draw straws and some people got short sticks?  Did we pick our own earthy life and destiny? Or did God say this will be your life, you can handle it?

I questioned why me after Emery's diagnoses.  Why would I not be able to raise my son?  Why was he going to have such a short life? And why did this have to happen to me?  Everyone knows life isn't fair, maybe that is it?  It is a haunting question though, why me?  Why anything? What makes us who we are?  Is it all a matter of experience?  Did I have to lose my son in order to have the future I will have?  Was it to meet someone? Or to do something to change my world or someone else's? Why did I lose my son? Why me?

It isn't a bad thing to question why, it is what helps make us into the people we are.  Where I have ended up with all the questioning I have done about life, Emery's and my own is, I don't think I deserved this to happen to me.  I don't think I am being punished or that it isn't fair that I don't get to have him in my home to raise and to grow up with his sister.  I don't think I got the short stick or that God hates me.  I think it was an experience that was mine from the start.  Whether I picked it, or it was picked for me.  It is part of my journey to help shape my future, my family's future and maybe help teach a few friends some things along the way.  My son was sent to us with a mission.  To show us love, and how to love.  He has helped to shape us as people and to shape my future.  In a very strange way this was a gift.  He taught me thing I could have never learned if he hadn't been "sick" or died.  I would never chose to let my son die, if I could have EVER done anything differently. But he has been a true angel in my life, guiding me towards a new found happiness and strength I wasn't aware existed in me.

I would never wish anyone to lose a child, as a baby or older.  Parents are supposed to be buried before their children.  But maybe I am asking the wrong questions here.  Maybe I shouldn't be asking why me, instead maybe I should be asking why not me? Because the death of my son has blessed me in ways I couldn't imagine, and I thank God for his short life, but incredibly powerful impact.  How lucky am I that my son was a true angel, in the eyes of his mother and the eyes of God.

Emery's memorial pictures

I wanted to share pictures from Emery's memorial.  We let balloons go at 11:55 on March 16th.  11 minutes later we did some confetti cannons, and afterwards we ate lunch.  It was such a wonderful way to spend the day remembering my little boy.  We also had our family come back to the house afterwards and had cupcakes (and looked at pictures as it was too windy to look at the park).  I also asked others who wanted to participate to send me pictures of the balloons and I loved the pictures I was sent.  I am not posting any pictures of people (faces) since I haven't asked them, and I got some pictures in the mail that I cant include on here.

 Here were the cards I made to attach to the balloons, laying on top of his memorial cards.

These are from on of my best friends...though she lives far away and I haven't seen here in years she still finds ways to be there for me.  I love her! 

 These were let go for Emery from her son's first birthday party!  I was so blown away that someone could share her son's birthday to do some balloons for my son :)

These are from someone who has become such a good friend of mine.  She made Emery's gowns and is an amazing lady who sadly lost her daughter, Ashley in 2001.  These balloons were sent for Emery and Ashley, thanks to those 2 wonderful children I have such an amazing person in my life now!

Here are the pictures from our family (I did ask them if I could use their faces)

 The morning of his memorial I went to the store and found iris'

 The cupcakes my daughter and I made.

 The iris'..because he is the iris of my eye (ya I am funny HA)

 My daughter thought we needed matching blue nail polish

 Tying down the balloons to keep filling

 Dad filling up balloons

 balloons on the table

 Emery's Gigi and Sa filling up balloons

 The balloon filling crew

 His baby books

 cutting off balloons before we let them go

 getting ready....

 set....

 .......

 GO

My daugher chasing down the one tiny balloon that blew barley above the ground.  She chased that thing through the playground, determined to "get Emery his balloon".  One kid playing tried to grab it and she yelled "STOP  that is my brother's balloon"

 Confetti cannon

 My dad and I :)

My friend who lost her son Samuel did this for Emery in the snow!  It was so sweet of her to go out in the cold and let balloon's go for him.  She is such a sweet person!  The balloons were decorated by here nieces.

This is from Emery's Aunt and cousin such pretty balloons!!

March of Dimes

I have decided to participate in March of Dimes coming up.  It is a fundraiser that helps raise money for premature babies as well as money for research about birth defects.  I signed up for the money I raise to help with birth defect research.  If you would like to help raise money, in memory of Emery please sponsor us!  Any little bit helps and we so appreciate all the support. I am so excited to help raise money to help other families in need!
Here is the info about how to donate.
http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t2060191

Return to the hospital

After I had Emery I started thinking about how lucky I had been to have the time to prepare for his birth.  I had the clothes I wanted, plenty of things to stamp hand prints and footprints.  I have molds of his hands and feet, and my favorite is the 3d mold we made of his hand.  I know a lot of parents aren't as lucky as I to have had time to prepare.  I had collected a few hand molds blankets and clothes to bring to the hospital and today I finally got around to bringing things in.  As I got to the hospital I suddenly felt totally nervous and overwhelmed.  This was the only place my son was alive, it was the only time our families got to meet him and the time where we spent the last of our time with him.  

I brought in the items and got to see one of the nurses who was there with me part of the time while I was in labor.  She worked all day Monday and Tuesday then was off for 3 days.  She called Wednesday though to check on me and see if I had Emery, which I had by that time and the other nurses updated her.  I felt so very lucky to have such wonderful and compassionate nurses.  All of the ladies who worked with me have made such an impact on my life for the time they spent taking care of my son, my family and I.  She asked how I was and gave me a hug, I told her I have been good and she told me she was sorry for my loss.  What I told her was, as much as I want my son to be here he has made such an imprint on my entire life I cant be sad about the whole situation.  Emery gave me so much, and no one should feel bad that he isn't alive.  He taught me more then I would have ever planned to learn and his life has greatly impacted me and so many others.  

I don't want anyone to feel bad, I came out of it genuinely happy.  Some days are rough, but that is part of life.  I will always miss him but as weird as it may sound I feel lucky!  I don't feel lucky that he died but I feel SO lucky that he lived!  I had the opportunity to give him a birthday and all that he knew in this world was love.  He may not be here for all the birthdays we have but we were there for his and that's what counts!

 3d hand mold with a little rosary a nurse gave to us (which I almost cried when I saw the dragonfly!)

 3d Hand mold, do you see the heart in his hand :)  SO sweet that his creases had a heart

 footprint

 Hands and feet

What the hospital gave us of his hands and feet. 

Every parent who doesnt get to bring home a child should at least be able to have some of these.  I LOVE seeing his whole hand, I think it is awesome.  My daughter asked us if we cut his hand off, since it is exactly how he was :)

2 months later

Today marks 8 whole weeks since my son was born, and passed away.  It has been a long week around this house and it makes me wish my son was around.  First last Friday we got a puppy.  This new little girl seems to be just what we needed to love on since we are missing Emery so much.  My daughter named her Sunshine.  She is so sweet and playful and I love her but today she is pushing it!! Also after we were home I noticed my almost completely black dog had a little white on her chest, and it looks like a dragonfly! :) She is 9 weeks old today as Emery is 8, she was born a week before him.  I am wishing I was holding my son, chewing his toys and blowing raspberries on his belly.  Showing my daughter how to be sweet to him and how to be gentle.  But I am cleaning up dog accidents off the floor all day today, and the puppy is mad at me for her being in trouble!  I love this little puppy but good grief she is testing me today.  Hopefully I wear her out enough to enjoy a quiet bath and early bed time.

 Here is Sunshine

Here is her white dragonfly...not a great picture but you an only see it when she sits and she doesnt do that very long :)  OR maybe I am crazy :)

The second big thing this week was Easter.  It was the first big holiday since we said goodbye to Emery.  I never realized it would be a big deal.  It was a wonderful day and I had so much fun with my daughter and my family. But at night at home when things quieted down I spent the evening with my husband in the back yard in front of a fire.  Once things had calmed down I missed him so greatly!  I sat on the couch and tried to write, but the words didn't come.  It was a jumbled mess of loneliness.  I remember when I found out I was pregnant I looked online to see when Easter was because I knew it would be the baby's first big holiday, I was curious how old they would be.  7 weeks...if he came on his due date he should have been 7 weeks old.  I could have dressed him in an adorable little suit and taken Easter pictures with him and my daughter.  Every year since she was born we had Easter pictures with her, I wished we could started have including Emery in that.

 At church my daughter put in 2 dollars and wrote it was from Marlee and Emery.

 Our tie dyed easter eggs

 Our theif of a puppy who stole the eggs.

 My girl searching for eggs...though that yellow one was near impossible! :)

 Chocolate and sprinkle dipped peeps we made for brunch with family.

My daughter on her way up to see the Easter bunny....patiently waiting for those other children

Then on Monday it was April fools day.  But far more importantly when my husband and I started dating.  We dated for a while before we got married, so we always celebrated our anniversary then, and though we have been married 3 and a half years it is still fun to celebrate on April fools day too.  We never do a big thing, just usually dinner or a movie or something.  This year we went out to dinner and talked about our lives.  In 6 years we have lived in 8 places, had 9 rabbits, 4 cats, 4 dogs, 4 cars, 2 children one of whom died.  6 years quickly felt a lot more like 12!  How have we possibly been through so much as a couple, and as a family in that time!  We must be destined to be together since we have sure been through a lot and have made it this far still smiling :)

 from our wedding :)

 When we were dating

 Pregnant with my daughter

On our honey moon 

What a 2 months it has been!  We have had 2 accidents, court, holidays, birthdays!  In a normally pretty uneventful time of year we have been packed full of things to do!  I think of Emery every day, and will miss him forever but he has made me a new person.  I know this sounds like I am a downer, but really its more like a bad day.  Most days I smile because of the life we gave him, thankful for the time we spent with him, and proud of how strong he was!

This week too I was reminded how lucky I am to have met some beautiful ladies who unfortunately lost their son's as well.  I got beautiful things from these ladies this week and I wanted to share how lucky I am!

The first one is from Aaron's mom.  He was born and died from anencephaly a few days after Emery was.  She started off making bracelets for dad's who lost babies, but makes them for other family members as well, I got one for myself and my husband, and one for our daughter as well, all with dragonflies :)  She also made a dragonfly for us as well how awesome!! Here is her facebook and blog .

The second one a friend got for me. She is mommy to Samuel who is about to have his first birthday in heaven. 

 She runs All That Love Can Do her facebook page-here

and this blog

She knew how special dragonflies were to me I love it!! It was made by http://thesacredshore.blogspot.com/