Anger

I literally feel sick to my stomach thinking about tomorrow.  All the thoughts running through my head are what should be instead of what is.  It will be 6 months since I said my hello and goodbye to my son and this month is harder then the others.  I think it is because at 6 months I keep thinking, he should be crawling, have teeth and eating baby food.  I try to imagine how big he is and the way he would laugh and smile.  Most days I am happy with the time I had, thankful for those 40 weeks and getting to hold him and kiss him.  But today I am angry, angry that I had to say goodbye when so many other don't.  When bad people and bad parents get to keep their children and I had to let go of mine.  It is something I hate to admit.  I hate to admit that I get so angry sometimes but it is something I cant always help.  I am angry that my daughter had to say goodbye to her brother, and misses him so much.  I wish she had someone to tickle and snuggle and instead she is searching for dragonflies and talking to the clouds. I am just angry.  I don't want tomorrow to be here already, 6 months at a time I am stacking up a lifetime without one of the greatest gifts.

I am angry at myself as days go on and I become more forgetful of how he felt in my arms.  I wish there was a way to imprint it in my arms and instead when I imagine him he is weightless.  It isn't fair.  I even hate that I am complaining right now.  Of course life isn't fair, everyone has trials and hardships and this one is mine.  I know he has inspired good in me and taught me so much about life, but I wish everything was different.  I wish my child was here.  I wish I could be taking more pictures, instead of searching the same ones I have looked at a million times. 

Sorry this is such an angry post.  I just wish everything was different.  I know at some point everyone who loses a child is angry, I just wish it would pass already, and pass quickly, just like tomorrow.