Early mornings

While I was pregnant with Emery I woke up every morning long before anyone else woke up.  He was my internal alarm clock.  So now here without him in the quiet time of the early morning I think of how much I enjoyed those times. It was just my son and I together in a quiet house.  I would talk to him, and we would listen to music, and those were the times I wrote!  It was just us.  He would dance around to the music.  I sure miss having him around in the mornings.  It is boring and really lonely!  Now my mornings are spent just waiting for everyone else to wake up, when before I would move as quiet as possible so no one heard me.

Without him here I have less to write, feeling as though I am playing the same broken record and everyone wants me to change the song.  I feel stuck having lost my son and I dont know how to get past it.  It isn't really that I am sad, I am just different.  Losing a child changes your life, your views and your goals.  Even my friends have changed because no one quite knows what it is like unless you have been there.

The other day my grandpa celebrated his 80th birthday.  It was such a wonderful day but it got me to thinking, what if I live to be 80?  That means I have spent 58 years without my son.  How do you handle 58 years??  I struggle now as memories become  hazy and I forget how he felt in my arms, will I remember anything almost 60 years later? I am thankful for the pictures and videos I have if him, but will I remember how it felt to hold him?  What we went through?  I think the hardest part of losing him is realizing it is forever.  I dont get to have him back, it isnt just something you get past.  It is yesterday, today and tomorrow without my son.