Today marks the start of me starting school again, and then tomorrow working again for the first time in 6 months. Although I am starting again something I am familiar with it seems strange and foreign. When I start I am starting as a mom of 2 kids, a mom who has one child in home, and one in heaven. Losing Emery forever changed every aspect of my life, it makes what should be normal situations daunting and impossible at times. Today as I signed onto my online classes I stared at the words "introduce yourself" where to do I begin? Normally my introductions said I had a daughter and I went to school to do genetic research/counseling but now what do I say. I feel wrong and guilty to not mention that I have 2 children, both who changed my life in incredibly different ways, and both of whom I appreciate every moment with. How do I introduce myself as a mom of an angel. I do not want people to feel bad, tell me how sad my story is or walk on eggshells around me. I just want them to know I love my children very much and that Emery inspired me to work even harder to obtain my degree so I am able to help other families who are facing genetic challenges. So how do I word it? I want it to be inspiring and state the strength I found in loving my son rather then the heartbreak of losing him.
Then there is work, when I left work I was clearly pregnant. I think just about everyone in my office knows the situation and that my son was sick, but what about the students? There are people who come in regularly who would ask me about the pregnancy and what I was having. It was never a really good time to explain and now I fear they may remember. Can I hope during the time I was gone that everyone forgot about me or graduated??
I feel weird stepping back into my "normal". What I have been doing for years, work, school, take care of my daughter seem to be different now. I want to work harder in school and at the same time I want to forget about it all. It is a scary thing to step back into. Every family who has lost a baby handled work differently. Some never slowed down, some never went back and some, like me fall in between. I was lucky enough to take the time off of work and school to focus on myself and Emery. Focus on a time of love and happiness with him, and going back to it all, with no baby to bring in an show off is depressing. I wish I was starting classes again, bouncing a baby in a set next to me, making faces as I type my papers.
Though going back to my regular life is scary and weird I am excited. I am ready to face the new set of challenges in school and emotionally as I put my train back on the tracks it belongs. My time with Emery made me more then ever want to focus on genetics and now I just want to get to where I am going. I know I can help other families because I know what it is like to hear "incompatible with life" to know my baby is going to die and to worry about it happening again. I am thankful to have had a son who made me all the more sure this was where my future lies.
Today tomorrow and the next few weeks as I make my way back into a routine I will be facing tough days, but it will all be worth it in the end :)
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