Finding the joy

Today was my appointment at the hospital to get registered for pre-admissions.  We decided to go with what hospital we thought would be the best to have him at.  Actually it was the other hospital then we planned on.  We originally wanted to have our son at the hospital that both my husband and I were born at, but after numerous bad experiences we picked the other one.  It is so much newer and the staff sees to love their jobs rather then be annoyed by your presence.  But the most sweet nurse helped get my paperwork done, she was also the one who gave my husband and I the tour.  Her name is Helen, and during the tour we told her about our son and his diagnoses she cried and hugged me, she is genuinely so sweet!!  She answered all my questions today, and the hospital is pretty willing to do whatever I want to make the best our of a sad experience.  It was so nice knowing I have all these people who are going to be helping me!  She also told me to have them call her when I was admitted so she can come see me and meet Emery.  I am glad I found such a great hospital, since I know many people are not that lucky and have a hard time getting anything they want.

Also I just wanted to say thanks so that the whole world can see it to the most amazing lady.  She made my son a gown to bury him in.  And actually she made 2 so that no matter what one will fit him.  Also I had sent her a ribbon from my wedding dress and she incorporated it into both gowns.  I cannot thank her enough for taking something so special to me and turning it into something beautiful and special for him.  She also included in the package a large fabric envelope for keepsakes, a prayer blanket for me and out of the same material as the gowns made my daughter a little purse, its so beautiful and thoughtful.  What a kind woman to have made so many special things for a stranger.

The blanket, envelope and one of the 2 gowns.

I am so glad I will have wonderful things for my little boy and his short time with us.  My mom made him a hat and sweater to dress him in while we having him.  My grandma made matching booties and a blanket.  And now something beautiful to lay him to rest in.  He will have everything he needs.  Especially a whole world of love!  He means so much to me and I am happy that I can give him such meaningful things. (since I certainly can't make these beautiful things myself).  

I am striving daily to find the joy.  And today I have in the hospital staff and the kindness of strangers all coming together to help me love on my little boy.

After a week of roller coasters, here are some pictures

My daughter had been gone all last weekend, talk about LONELY without her.  We finally got her back Tuesday and got to go see our sweet little boy.  Then Wednesday I was in the hospital because my iron levels got too low.  Thursday was just hard for me, being Thanksgiving and knowing it was the only one my son would have.  I don't remember Friday, I guess it was uneventful but then saturday was amazing.  We celebrated Thanksgiving with my family.  Afterwards I even got to take a nap while my husband and daughter went to the park.  Then when I woke up we went for a walk around the river. And on the way home I realized how close we were to the parade of light!! It wasn't the actual parade but it was all the floats and where they started.  We walked all the way down one side, and back up the other.  I am exhausted by this point but we ate dinner, decorated the Christmas tree and made Christmas cookies.  It was so nice to have a day with my family.  I appreciate them SO much.

As I had said though we got an ultrasound on Tuesday.  I posted the first half of the video, but I thought I would share some pictures of our handsome little boy :)

 I love how you can see all the details in his face. :) he certainly looks like his family!!

 Looks like he was making a kissy face, though he was probably drinking, since he seemed extremely hungry :)

 Best one of the front of his face since it was hard to get any pictures at all!!

 Another one of most of his face.

Taking a BIG drink, it looks like his tongue but he was just thirsty.

Here is his foot, the other one was too wiggly but at least I finally got one!

My little dragonfly

SO while I was pregnant with my daughter butterflies seemed to follow me everywhere.  It got to the point where we called her butterfly princess, I saw way more butterflies then I had ever seen before. Even now every birthday she has, butterflies flying all around her.  She has some connection with butterflies, its pretty cool, and totally explainable.  This time around Emery has something special too, dragonflies.  I have probably in my whole life have seen less then 5 dragonflies, until this pregnancy.  I live in the middle of a desert and I have seen more dragonflies then I ever have!!  In my backyard, at the park, everywhere.  After he is no longer with me I will always be able to remember every time I see a dragonfly how special my time with my son was to me.

Yesterday was our last ultrasound until we hold our son in our arms.  And boy is this little one stubborn!! :)  He spent the entire ultrasound with his head in my hip bone with his face buried in the placenta, making it quiet difficult to get a picture!!  It took my husband, the ultrasound tech and I all taking turns pushing him to one side of my belly to just move his face a little out of my hip!  Silly little boy.  Also the whole time he was drinking tons of fluid, and he looked like he was licking and trying to bite the placenta, it was too funny!!  He wiggled his tongue all over trying to get a drink, and ended up drinking so much that he gave himself the hiccups.  It was so special since we probably wouldn't have gotten to ever see him hiccup ever.  But it is good news he is drinking, it means that I wont fill up with fluid, and it also means if he survives delivery that he can eat as well. :)  I love love love that we had this amazing time to spend watching him.

After a long weekend that my daughter spent away with her cousin, the day ended so wonderfully.  We missed our little girl so much we finally had her back at home, plus the amazing ultrasound, then I got home to an email from a wonderful lady.  The email said she had finished the angel gown for my son.  She made not one but 2 gowns for him so that no matter what size he is, he has something that will fit him perfectly.  She also let me make a very special request to add the ribbon that tied up my wedding dress to it.  I mailed it to her on Friday and Tuesday I get an email saying that she finished both of them and made something out of the same material for my daughter.  HOW AMAZING.  She is such a wonderful lady, and I am so lucky to have found her.  I can't wait to see how the gowns turned out,  I am sure they are completely perfect and more amazing then I could have imagined.

It is such a tragedy that anyone has to go through losing a baby, but the women that have are really incredible amazing women.  They understand what your feeling in a way that even your husband can't.  I pray for these women to find peace, since its completely heartbreaking to go through a situation like this one.  Babies are such a gift, even the ones who unfortunately are not with us very long.

Second Ultrasound

Here is the video of the 28 week ultrasound.  It was very hard to get a picture since he was behind my hip bone with his face in the placenta.  We had to push him to one side of my belly just to get any sort of picture.  So anytime the camera is shaking its because he are pushing him all over trying to get the stubborn little boy to move some.  Thankfully with all the pushing we got some great shots.  He also was very thirsty and was drinking tons of fluid the whole time.  Just about 10 minutes in you can see him drinking, and at 11:35 he wiggles his tongue around!! Also in the second half of the video he got the hiccups from drinking so much but it is not on this one (will have to add the other one later).

Update after the doctors appointment...

Had another check up today, lost another 2 pounds but Emery seems happy where he is.  Heart beat is still strong and I am the correct size.  She says the fact I have been sick a lot lately is most likely due to my stomach running out of room.  Tomorrow I will be 28 weeks pregnant and that means that my son is about 2.4 pounds, according to the average.  Funny I feel so small to be THIS pregnant.  I also talked to the doctor about the possibility of doing a genetic test.  I found out that there is a mutation with a certain gene that can cause anecenephaly, and precclampsia and a million other things.  I have also read about a lot of these women who have it having had molar pregnancies too.  Since I have had a complication with every pregnancy I asked if I could get tested.  She told me after Emery is born they can send me to a specialist and see if anything is wrong.  I am so glad they are willing to do that so that I dont keep trying to have kids ending in such difficult pregnancies.  Fingers crossed everything is ok, or at least there is a way to fix it if it isn't.  But I am glad I will get to know.  84 days until my due date.

So much to be thankful for...

One week from Thanksgiving and I am realizing how much in my life I have to be thankful for.  Even as life throws millions of curb balls at you, even ones that seem completely impossible to get around, it has a way of teaching you.  I am coming into what will be one of the hardest Thanksgivings I have had in my life.  I kept thinking about how hard it was going to be to find happiness when it was my son's only Thanksgiving, and he has to experience it from inside me.  I am looking for joy in each day I have with him and I think I learned a real lesson in how to be Thankful.  Though I am losing my son I have met so many amazing women who have sadly lost their own babies.  It has taught me to have an unreal amount of strength.  It has also showed me how much they have done for others just because they know how hard it is.  There are ladies who make baskets for the hospital to give to grieving mothers, or clothes for preemie's or terminally I'll babies.  I also met a lady who sadly lost her daughter.  I threw a crazy request out there asking if she would include part of my wedding dress in the burial gowns she makes.  She is so generous and I mailed off my piece to her today.  She also is making me 2 different sizes so that he has one to fit him no matter what.  I cannot ever thank her enough for making something so meaningful to me!!!  You are able to find thanks all over in many ways.  Life is hard and way to short to spend it not being thankful.  I love my family, and friends and all the new people I have met in my life.  I am thankful for any moment I have with my son and I will continue to treasure it for my entire lifetime.

3D ultrasound at 22 weeks.

Here is the first half of our ultrasound at 22 weeks with Emery.  It was done on 10/6/2012.  Hopefully I can upload the other half soon but for some reason this is the only one that was available on the computer, the rest is on a dvd.  The dvd is also better sound quality if I ever get it to work.

Mixed emotions

I seem to be having a lot of good days lately with enjoying the time I have with my little boy but every once and a while reality seems to slap me in the face all over again.  Last night I had some braxton hicks contractions, and it made me feel so sick and uncomfortable.  But it made me really realize that I should get our bags packed...just in case since we have no idea what will happen.  Then today when I went to the store it made me so sad looking at all the winter clothes for little boys.  I wish some days I could avoid it completely, but where it is located it is impossible to get around.  I was excited to have a winter baby and bundle him up I thought it would be so cute.  Now I don't need to plan to bundle for my winter boy since chances are he will never leave the hospital.  Some days  it just leaves me a little bummed thinking about.  Also after the contractions last night(which I never had with my daughter) I am scared for the possibility of what if he doesn't make it to our next ultrasound.  I want as many pictures as possible and I hope he is comfy inside so he stays there for the next 90 days.  That's right, only 90 days until my due date.  Time is flying by,  I will love to kiss on those little cheeks.

One door shuts

Today was the last day of my job and as a full time student up until June.  It is SO crazy to me because this has been my whole life.  I will miss my job and all the people I work with and really hope once I am in school again I can go back there.  Sadly my job is tied to being in a minimum of 6 credit hours.  Today was the very last day to withdraw from classes, and being behind I had to so I can keep a good GPA.  But now here we are with no income.  I am so scared and so stressed.  It seems like everything in my life is crumbling into pieces and I am not sure I can get enough glue to fix it all!!  

I also am struggling with the fact that other people's lives seem so damn perfect.  I know deep down they aren't but at least they are DAMN GOOD at faking it.  I am frustrated.  I am tired of complaining about how stupid my life is but writing about it is just about the only thing making it easier for me to put my emotions aside.  As I close the computer and I have finished typing I am able to shut down these thoughts and move on with my day to find the happiness in the small moments.

But since this blog is about my beautiful little boy and not myself I figured I would let everyone know he seems very comfortable where he is at for now (thank goodness!!)  I have another check up in a week from today.  I can feel him move every day, sometimes certain days more then others. And I also have a doppler so that I am able to hear his heartbeat when I want to.  I hope he stays comfy for many more days so I can carry him with me as long as possible.  

And here is a picture of him from the side of his face,  he is so adorable and I cannot wait to kiss his cheeks!! Though I wish I could do it forever!!

What is real?

It is hard enough to really realize that you are having a baby.  Things like a baby shower, and arranging a nursery help but its an unreal experience to grasp.  For months after I had my daughter I would sit back and suddenly think wow I am really a mom.  It is such a lifestyle change it rocks your whole universe and changes  the reality you knew.  So this pregnancy?  How can I grasp reality of my son being born when I have the reality of his looming death as well.  I haven't experienced death of someone close to me, and now that I do it has to be my son, my own flesh and blood.  This precious baby I never got to know as a person, to watch him learn or grow will be gone in an instant.  I still have days where it seems almost impossible to believe I am having a son.  Even typing those words seem wrong, and so foreign to me.  I am having a son.  I will have one daughter and one son in just a matter of weeks.  It feels strange that nothing is "ready" for him to be here, and then I remember what types of things I need.  He needs a blanket and an outfit.  He has a stuffed dog we got him when I found out I was pregnant and a lion rattle my daughter got him.  I have talked to a photographer and funeral home.  I have as much planned with the doctors as possible.  Its unreal that this is how I have to plan for my son's arrival.  I wish I could decorate a nursery that he could sleep in. And buy a billion cute outfits to wear.  I wish that I didn't have to plan a zillion pictures to remember the few short moments in time I will have with him.  It all seems impossible to believe.  How did this become my life?  My son's life?  It is hard to imagine my hello will also mean goodbye.

Catching up with pictures

 My Favorite picture of him, it makes me smile every time.

 View of the side of him, you can see his head and how much is there.

 View of his face, with a little half smile :)

 His first snow, got to experience it while nice and warm haha.

 Emery with mom and his big sister. 20 weeks pregnant.

 Emery's stuff in mom and dads room.

Happy fall.

Finding the positives

A few days ago it was Halloween.  The first holiday since I have found out my son wasn't going to ever spend any of them with us.  Before I knew of his condition every thing we did I would think next year we will be a family of  4, and we get to bring BOTH kids.  I was so excited by the idea of getting to show him the world and see him experience everything for the first time.  I was having a hard time making it through the day thinking of how badly I wanted things to be different.  I was devastated by the fact this was going to be his only Halloween.  But I dressed up and took my daughter out, and really turned the day around.  I made a fun day out of it.  I dressed up as a redneck, I had a long wig and put in beer can curlers, then I wore a ripped up shirt, and rocked my "beer" belly :)  It was pretty hilarious, everyone thought I should have entered the costume contest.  As hard as it is sometimes to focus on positives I am so glad I turned the day around and made it a positive day to remember.

Today I am 26 weeks pregnant.  What that means is in only 6 short days I will be in my third and final trimester of this pregnancy.  It is something that is normally a really happy time, like the countdown to baby is on, less then a 100 days and only a matter of weeks and you will be holding your baby in your arms.  I normally would be SO happy but this time I am really scared.  I am scared for the unknown, scared for how fast the time is flying by, scared to let go of my son.  Luckily at the doctors yesterday I was told his heart sounds good, and I am not measuring too big (meaning my fluid isn't too high) and I am healthy.  I haven't gained any weight (though you may be fooled from my belly size) and my blood pressure is good, and my glucose test was normal.  So for now my little boy is comfy.  Since anything can happen with this I feel good getting everything checked.  Now my bimonthly appointments start, they will be checking his heartbeat and my fluid levels twice a month up until January.  His heart could suddenly stop beating or if he isn't drinking fluid my belly could swell up and I will have to get induced.  Also the doctor said she will deliver me on my due date if I haven't had him before.  Originally I was told I had to wait until a week after, which I didn't want for several reasons.  My due date is Feb 9th and for some reason I have always loved that date.  I don't want him to come sooner since I want as much time as I can have.  Also the 8th is my mother in laws birthday and I wanted to have him get his own day, since we have no idea how things are going to go.  And then if they made me wait a week it would be on the 16th.  2 days after Valentines day and 2 days before my brothers birthday.  I don't his death surrounding my mother in laws or my brothers birthday.  I guess he will have time to pick his time and if not it will be the 9th :) whatever it is we will smile about and take it as it comes.