What is real?

It is hard enough to really realize that you are having a baby.  Things like a baby shower, and arranging a nursery help but its an unreal experience to grasp.  For months after I had my daughter I would sit back and suddenly think wow I am really a mom.  It is such a lifestyle change it rocks your whole universe and changes  the reality you knew.  So this pregnancy?  How can I grasp reality of my son being born when I have the reality of his looming death as well.  I haven't experienced death of someone close to me, and now that I do it has to be my son, my own flesh and blood.  This precious baby I never got to know as a person, to watch him learn or grow will be gone in an instant.  I still have days where it seems almost impossible to believe I am having a son.  Even typing those words seem wrong, and so foreign to me.  I am having a son.  I will have one daughter and one son in just a matter of weeks.  It feels strange that nothing is "ready" for him to be here, and then I remember what types of things I need.  He needs a blanket and an outfit.  He has a stuffed dog we got him when I found out I was pregnant and a lion rattle my daughter got him.  I have talked to a photographer and funeral home.  I have as much planned with the doctors as possible.  Its unreal that this is how I have to plan for my son's arrival.  I wish I could decorate a nursery that he could sleep in. And buy a billion cute outfits to wear.  I wish that I didn't have to plan a zillion pictures to remember the few short moments in time I will have with him.  It all seems impossible to believe.  How did this become my life?  My son's life?  It is hard to imagine my hello will also mean goodbye.