We are going to have our cake and eat it too!

After a whole pregnancy of wanting salty foods tonight Emery and I are craving SWEETS!!!  So I baked a cake for us for desert YUM.

 I added chocolate chips to the middle layer, and it was a little warm still so they all melted...so good!

My piece of cake :)

Good thing I didn't gain any weight this pregnancy, because this certainly is a lot of calories.  But I figured Emery is only inside a few days longer, he should get what he (we) want :)  

Yesterday Emery's sister and I went on a mini tour of the hospital just for her.  I wanted to show her around so she knew what she would be looking at in a few days.  The hospital is so great in allowing me to do that!  Also I had an appointment with my doctor, I will be induced on the 4th of February, may go in on the third though since he seems comfy where he is.  I don't mind where he is at, all up in my ribs, as close to my heart as he can be. 

I have been a cleaning freak today, cleaned out closets and all sorts of stuff.  Will be continued tomorrow when I have some more energy.

I am not sure whether Emery can hear or not but he does LOVE when his dad talks to him.  Yesterday we was bouncing all around and stopped anytime dad walked away.  It totally melted me, and his dad too I think.  He has such a personality, no matter what the doctors say.

As time grows closer I think I am at peace.  I am a little nervous and sad, but mostly I am just happy.  I am excited to hold him and kiss him.  I want to show him every ounce of our love.  I want to memorize his face and tickle his little toes.  Whether he is born into heaven, or has some amazing and very much appreciated time with us I am excited.  I can't wait to give him a bath and take a million pictures.  My time with my son may not be as long as I would ever chose but it will be some of the most treasured times of my life.  I will make sure to keep this updated as I can with information, and eventually pictures of my handsome little boy.

10 more days

As I sit here and type about there being only 10 days left to my pregnancy I am not quite sure where I stand emotionally.  It is very bittersweet knowing my son will be here SO soon.  Things are different then a normal pregnancy, where I would be ecstatic that my son was coming.  Making sure the nursery was together and all his clothes were washed.  It is strange to plan for this.  I have no nursery.   He has some clothes, ranging from preemie to newborn, blankets, and he has a stuffed dog and a lion rattle.  Other then that I don't have all the normal things needed for newborns.  I don't have a closet full of diapers and burp cloths.  It is a weird thing to wrap my head around.  There will certainly be a ton of joy when Emery is born, but along with the joy will come sadness.  I pray everyday we have time with him alive, but no matter what we will have time with him.  The hospital said we have as much time with him as we want, no matter the outcome at his birth and for that I will be so grateful.(as I have met many people who are not so lucky)  I have everything planned as much as possible, bags packed, keepsakes packed, birth plan, phone numbers, and a journal on hand.  My camera is charged and I have a new card to take a ton of pictures on.  It is a very weird situation to go into.  Unless you have had to plan something similar yourself you can't quite understand, before this I would not have understood.

I guess I am pretty prepared for what is to come, I have spent the majority of my pregnancy knowing what was coming.  I found out I was pregnant at almost 7 weeks and then got the diagnoses at almost 20 weeks.  Instead of spending my pregnancy planning to bring a baby home I spent it making the most of every single moment, knowing he probably would never come home. I have gotten ready emotionally and helped my daughter prepare as well.  My family has been so supportive, and my husband has been absolutely amazing.  He is going through the same thing as me emotionally but has been so strong the whole time to help us get through it.  I know the hardest days are still to come but I have done everything to enjoy my pregnancy and will do the same while he is in our arms.

Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment to see how things are going.  But at this point I am pretty sure he is comfy where he is at.  He stays so far up in my ribs that they feel as though they may break!  I love it though, he is sure close to my heart that way :)

Making memories

I have been cleaning like a freak today.  I want my whole house spotless (dream on right)  by the time Emery is born.  He did not like that I was cleaning though, tried tunneling through my ribs to a point where I couldn't bend over.   So what do I do?  Decide to laugh it off and fold laundry instead, but this little monkey got SO high up I had to fold laundry laying down.  I guess he just wanted to show off, and I didn't mind one bit.  I actually got a video of this monkey bouncing all over my belly!!  This silly son of mine got the hiccups and threw a temper tantrum.  He cracks me up.  I know he has a personality, even if the doctors say otherwise.  He has some sort of sense as whats going on.  Loud noises he freezes, the doppler is on my stomach he kicks it off, and he LOVES when my daughter talks to him.  I think my daughter loves it too, because she always comes up asking if he is kicking.  This time I have had with him has been so precious.

I have spent the better part of a year with my son in my life.  It was certainly not an easy year by any means, but it is one I will cherish for the time my son has been here.  Last night we painted my belly.  He bumped around as my daughter and husband painted all over.  It was so much fun, I am glad we were able to find some family time left before he was born.

My time with him is short.  And my emotions are much more of a roller coaster as his birthday draws near. I am so glad to find special moments with him.  He lights up my days, and it will be so strange without him bumping all over.  I know he will be guiding me and sending me strength from above.

Here is a picture of my painted belly.... it says we love u, and XO and has a heart, dragonfly, butterfly, flower, rainbow, cat and a bunch of other "stuff" too funny...

37 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 37 weeks pregnant.  And there is 16 days left until February 4th, when they induce me.  This week was the first time I saw a counselor.  He told us he thought my husband and I had positives attitudes and were doing well to make the best out of a bad situation.  He also said he found it inspirational that we were trying to do what we felt was best for our son.  We will go back and see him again in a month and make sure we are doing ok.  Hopefully in a month we are able to still be inspirational.  It is going to be hard, no doubt about it but the strength we have I know we can pull through it.  I am lucky in my life to have good doctors, a hospital that seems willing to work with me, family who are behind us the whole was and a husband who is incredibly supportive of me and has so much love for his son.

Also had a doctors appointment today.  She said he must have had a growth spur and seemed surprised how big he was, not to mention how active!!  The nurse had a hard time checking the heartbeat because he was moving all over.  Then as my midwife was measuring my stomach to see how he had grown my belly looked like an alien as it was moving all over.  Next week they will check to see if there is a difference, but today she wasn't worried since I haven't had more contractions.

On another note not directly related to Emery, I have been thinking about making a website with all the resources I have come across that can be helpful to families experiencing losing a baby.  I plan to included all the websites and what they offer.  Also have a section with information just on anencephaly and how to deal with that diagnoses and things mothers have found helpful along the way.  I know when I was doing research it took me a while to come across anything and then I was still finding out about stuff long after I could have used it too.  I just want to make it easier to mothers to get the information they are looking for and I will take recommendations of pages to include as well.  I know that what I have chosen not to use may be exactly what another mother needs so I plan to do what I can to make it easier.  Though I have compiled a list so far I probably won't finish the website until after my son is born.  I am really excited to get to put this together, hopefully it will make someone's life a little easier.

Life unexpected

Tomorrow is the first day of the springs semester in school.  It is the first semester I will be completely out of school since I started college 2 and a half years ago.   I haven't gone full time the entire time but it will be so weird for me to not be doing any school or work for the next few months.  I know I haven't been but with my husband starting work and school again it really seems so weird to me.   I am so thankful I have someone like him who can work so hard for our family at such a crazy time so that I am able to stay home and take a physical and mental break from "the real world".

In 3 weeks time, maybe even less and I will be in the hospital having my son.  I have never had a son.  And it has been 4 and a half years since I had my daughter.  This time it is a different experience.  I never would have imagined at 36 weeks pregnant I wouldn't be wanting time to fly by!  Unfortunately it is going WAY too fast.  I truly cherish every moment that I have with him, the kicks, punches, hiccups or the sharp elbows my my sides.  Every bump makes me smile, especially when my husband or daughter get to feel him rocking.

My son has taught me so much about life, about myself, about family and friends.  He has taught me an unreal amount of strength, that I didn't know even half of which existed in my body.  I also never paid attention to how much I like to control EVERYTHING.  But I do and I hate that everything has been planned now and all the rest is out of my hands.  I have also realize what an amazing support my family is.  The whole experience they have just stood by our sides and been there when we needed them.  Friends, as well.  Some people did surprise me, but I should have known.  Either way others have reached out in ways I would never have expected.  I have made new, amazing friends who are an amazing support.  I know we have so much love and support as we face the birth of our son.

My son is such a blessing, even though it isn't the traditional one you expect when you have a baby.  He is my son, and will be long after his physical time with us is up.  I look forward though to meeting this little life changer and getting to kiss him.  I cannot wait for my husband to love and hold him, and I hope my daughter has the same opportunity.

Life is so unexpected.  Learn to accept it and appreciate every moment.  You never know what strength and blessings you will find along the way.

A long road, not much time left

What an emotional roller coaster this week has been!!  Sunday night I spent a lot of the night awakened by contractions.  Most of them weren't too bad, but my husband said I would be asleep and start groaning, and then wake myself up saying I was having a contraction.  I had a few during the day on Monday and just took the day easy and had a nap (from lack of sleep the night before).  Then Monday night things got MUCH more painful.  I was having huge contractions that lasted between 30 seconds and a minute.  I think poor Emery was really bothered by them because when one would end he would throw himself all over the place!!  Maybe that was why I kept having more, who knows, but either way it became another long night and in the morning when I got up I was still really sore even though the contractions had slowed.  I decided to give in and call the doctor after a few hours of bad cramps and my back feeling twisted.  They scheduled me an appointment that day with a doctor different then my usual one.  I went in and she said, I measured good, his heartbeat was strong and since the contractions had stopped that all she knew was I wasn't currently in labor...helpful I know.  She said I was about 1 cm and halfway thinned meaning thing are moving, but not quickly, though labor is so unpredictable things could turn around at any time.  She told me to come to my regular appointment on Friday and see if anything had changed.  Well here it is, Friday, and that is a whole other story.

I dreamt about Emery last night.  I dreamed about his birth and getting to hold him and see him and kiss his cheeks.  In my dream he was doing pretty well and actually got to come home with us...then I woke up.  I woke up realizing how badly I wished that was how things are going to go.  I want my little boy to have as much time with us as possible, it would be so peaceful for him to get to come home with us for a bit.  Sadly all of this is completely out of my control.  I don't like not being in control.  But the dream, as wonderful started my day off strange.  I started thinking about how there is 28 days until my due date.  I don't know why it hit me so hard.  I know I am 36 weeks pregnant so why is 28 days a surprise ?  I am not sure what blew me away but thinking of a real number, 28 and  how fast those days will fly by.  Plus the doctor on Tuesday told me he would probably be coming early. SO less then 28 days.  It is so real it is scary!  

I had my phone interview with Duke today and answered all of my medical history questions.  Now all I need to do is take the blood samples (at the hospital) and get the pictures they need of Emery once he is born.  I don't know why I was nervous for it but I was.  All day my stress level has been at the max, maybe it was all knowing that I had a doctors appointment today.  The appointment went mostly well.  My blood pressure was a little higher then normal, probably because of the heart attack I have been on the verge of all day.  But there has been no change since Tuesday, so maybe he is nice and comfy where he is at :)  Also they told me they will induce me on February 4th, unless he comes sooner.  The 4th was totally not what I had planned, I was thinking the 11th!!  I knew it would be a Monday, I just thought it would be the one after my due date.  I feel as though I am losing out of those last few days with my little boy.  It is ok though, it is probably just all the stress I have put on myself for some unknown reason today.  I am happy to know I will soon be holding my amazing son in my arms, I am just not ready to tell him goodbye yet, but I am not sure I will ever been totally ready for that one.

SO after all that there is 23 days or less until I am in the hospital having my son.  Such a bittersweet time, knowing how much I want to kiss him, but how much I like him safe and sound where he is at.

All I need to finish now before he comes is some laundry and cleaning (which is never done UGH)  and I want to clean out my car.  Also I need to talk to the pastor who I want to come to the hospital.  After that everything is set, though it pretty much is anyway.  All the family seems to be on high alert and able to jump any time we need them.  I am so glad to have all these people here for us at any time we need them.

I am off to have a relaxing night though, sure need it after all the stress I put on myself today.  I plan on doing my best these next few weeks to RELAX and know that it is out of my hands, but I am making my plans come true by giving my son a birthday.  It is amazing how much you can love someone you haven't seen, I know my husband and I both do.  Thank you for all the continued love and support.  It is greatly appreciated, and will be during the next few weeks until he is born, and even after, as our hearts are full but arms are empty. 

Angel shower and Maternity shoot

On Saturday I had a shower for Emery, but it wasn't the traditional shower.  I decided instead of gifts I wanted everyone to bring letters, poems, ect. and we would put it together in a scrapbook.  We met a scrapbook store and all worked on pages for the book.  It was nice and a happy time, with family and friends and it couldn't have gone better.  I enjoyed everyone's company and LOVE the pages that were made for the book. My husband and daughter even stuck around the entire time and worked on pages for the book too (what a surprise).  We ended up buying my daughter a whole new book so she could make one on her own because she was making so many pages.  It was so sweet.  I came home and read all the things in my book and it brought me to tears, not really of sadness, it was just so perfect.  Everything that was put in that book had its own piece of perfect on every page.

After the shower we had a photo shoot, thanks to my husbands cousin Carla.  The pictures are perfect and I am so glad we got to do them, and lucky to have an awesome photographer in the family.

As the weeks are running out things seem to be falling into place.  I am so thankful for this beautiful time and am so grateful for all of the support I have in my life.  I love my son and the positives he has brought into my life.  Every day is an experience, and I have been finding joy in all the moments I have with him.