A long road, not much time left

What an emotional roller coaster this week has been!!  Sunday night I spent a lot of the night awakened by contractions.  Most of them weren't too bad, but my husband said I would be asleep and start groaning, and then wake myself up saying I was having a contraction.  I had a few during the day on Monday and just took the day easy and had a nap (from lack of sleep the night before).  Then Monday night things got MUCH more painful.  I was having huge contractions that lasted between 30 seconds and a minute.  I think poor Emery was really bothered by them because when one would end he would throw himself all over the place!!  Maybe that was why I kept having more, who knows, but either way it became another long night and in the morning when I got up I was still really sore even though the contractions had slowed.  I decided to give in and call the doctor after a few hours of bad cramps and my back feeling twisted.  They scheduled me an appointment that day with a doctor different then my usual one.  I went in and she said, I measured good, his heartbeat was strong and since the contractions had stopped that all she knew was I wasn't currently in labor...helpful I know.  She said I was about 1 cm and halfway thinned meaning thing are moving, but not quickly, though labor is so unpredictable things could turn around at any time.  She told me to come to my regular appointment on Friday and see if anything had changed.  Well here it is, Friday, and that is a whole other story.

I dreamt about Emery last night.  I dreamed about his birth and getting to hold him and see him and kiss his cheeks.  In my dream he was doing pretty well and actually got to come home with us...then I woke up.  I woke up realizing how badly I wished that was how things are going to go.  I want my little boy to have as much time with us as possible, it would be so peaceful for him to get to come home with us for a bit.  Sadly all of this is completely out of my control.  I don't like not being in control.  But the dream, as wonderful started my day off strange.  I started thinking about how there is 28 days until my due date.  I don't know why it hit me so hard.  I know I am 36 weeks pregnant so why is 28 days a surprise ?  I am not sure what blew me away but thinking of a real number, 28 and  how fast those days will fly by.  Plus the doctor on Tuesday told me he would probably be coming early. SO less then 28 days.  It is so real it is scary!  

I had my phone interview with Duke today and answered all of my medical history questions.  Now all I need to do is take the blood samples (at the hospital) and get the pictures they need of Emery once he is born.  I don't know why I was nervous for it but I was.  All day my stress level has been at the max, maybe it was all knowing that I had a doctors appointment today.  The appointment went mostly well.  My blood pressure was a little higher then normal, probably because of the heart attack I have been on the verge of all day.  But there has been no change since Tuesday, so maybe he is nice and comfy where he is at :)  Also they told me they will induce me on February 4th, unless he comes sooner.  The 4th was totally not what I had planned, I was thinking the 11th!!  I knew it would be a Monday, I just thought it would be the one after my due date.  I feel as though I am losing out of those last few days with my little boy.  It is ok though, it is probably just all the stress I have put on myself for some unknown reason today.  I am happy to know I will soon be holding my amazing son in my arms, I am just not ready to tell him goodbye yet, but I am not sure I will ever been totally ready for that one.

SO after all that there is 23 days or less until I am in the hospital having my son.  Such a bittersweet time, knowing how much I want to kiss him, but how much I like him safe and sound where he is at.

All I need to finish now before he comes is some laundry and cleaning (which is never done UGH)  and I want to clean out my car.  Also I need to talk to the pastor who I want to come to the hospital.  After that everything is set, though it pretty much is anyway.  All the family seems to be on high alert and able to jump any time we need them.  I am so glad to have all these people here for us at any time we need them.

I am off to have a relaxing night though, sure need it after all the stress I put on myself today.  I plan on doing my best these next few weeks to RELAX and know that it is out of my hands, but I am making my plans come true by giving my son a birthday.  It is amazing how much you can love someone you haven't seen, I know my husband and I both do.  Thank you for all the continued love and support.  It is greatly appreciated, and will be during the next few weeks until he is born, and even after, as our hearts are full but arms are empty.