1st month in heaven

It has been 1 month.  This day a month ago was the first time I saw your face.  I was so in love.  They put you on my chest, and I waited anxiously to find out if your heart was beating.  It was my son.  I was so proud of your strength!  You stayed where you were for 61 hours holding on to me, and I am glad I had that time with you too.  We could have had to say goodbye 2 days sooner, but you held out.  I was amazed by your size, such a big boy!  You had some amazing chunky cheeks, and you were so so tall!  I still have a hard times sometimes believing this is real, I should be sitting her snuggling you, instead of crying as I write about your birthday.  I don't know why things happened this way, but I am so glad to be your mom.

Today will be a hard one, boy.  I know you were meant for much greater things, but I selfishly wish you were here in my arms.  It isnt fair that I had to share you, or that at 1 month old you are looking down from heaven.  I hope your having fun up there, and you always know how much I love you down here.

This was right when he was born.  I was anxiously awaiting what the nurse had to say on whether his heart was beating.  Since we chose not to have it monitored during delivery I didn't know.

I miss you my son, today tomorrow and every day after.  You changed my life more then I ever could have imagined.  

Most days I am pretty ok.  But days like today,  things that should be important are really hard on me.  I wish I was watching him grow.  I wish I was holding him in my arms.  I wish I was changing his diapers, who wants that right?  But until you have been in this situation, you dont know how "nice" a dirty diaper is.  Today will be a rough day for me, but I will make it through, just like any other day.  Ill light a candle, and say a prayer, work on his scrapbook and spend the day with him on my mind.

I really love this picture, so I cropped it so I could post it on here.  I so wish I could kiss those lips again!!