Not so scared

Being a mother who was carrying a baby to term who is terminally diagnosed is such a weird spot to be in.  You grieve the death of your child before you ever even lose them.  One of my fears I had was what it would be like to hold or see my son after he had "gained his wings".  I was worried about how hard it would be, or if it would be uncomfortable or weird. I think though that having plenty of time to prepare made it not weird at all.  Having him with us even after he had passed away was just such a peaceful experience.

I feared having him be still born.  You can see it in my face in a picture I have, he was just born, and on my chest.  The nurse had a stethoscope and was listening to his heart beat, and I was looking up at her, holding my breath with a look of hope on my face.  It was another milestone.  My whole pregnancy  I counted the milestones, hiccups, growth, checking his heartbeat each appointment.  It just meant my baby was beating the odds and showing us the incredible strength that he had.  I was so very happy to have his heart still beating.  I remember looking at my husband and smiling, us both thankful that we would have a birth certificate for our son.  I so prayed to have one, I wanted him to be acknowledged!  How sad that if he had been still born all he would have had is a death certificate.  I fought so hard to give him a birthday I wanted it to have the paperwork backing it up! No matter whether he was alive or not, he definately deserves acknowledgement that he was here, and he was MY son.

After Emery had passed it really made no difference to me.  I still was holding my amazing son, who put up one hell of a fight to be here with us.  Even at the funeral home after we got him dressed, my husband and I each held him.  We told him how much we loved him and gave him a final kiss goodbye.  It was never weird, it just felt right, and I am so thankful for all of the time we had with him.

Ever since my son was born I have felt at such peace.  It certainly doesn't mean I have been happy, just means that I have found peace with a bad situation.  I had so much time to prepare ahead of time, I knew exactly how I wanted things and I made sure I did everything I could to make sure that happened.  I had as much control as I possibly could and I know that helped.