A dose of reality

As I count down the days to my due date it becomes much more real that my countdown is also the timer on the end of my son's life.  As days tick away until he is born days also tick away from how much time we have left with him.  Although I enjoy every kick and hiccup I have with him growing strong inside me what is coming terrifies me.  No parent should ever have to count down their child's life.  Some people may say that its a pregnancy that he isn't alive until he is born, and even at that he may not be born alive,  but he is my baby.  He has been growing in me and he has changed my life, and to me it is a big deal.  I went through almost 5 months believing he was ok, it never occurred to me that it wouldn't be that way.  I don't even think my doctor wanted to tell me, he looked sad (which was saying a lot for him, I always thought he was kind of cold).

Don't get me wrong this is heartbreaking and sad, but I don't want people to feel bad.  As sad as it all is I am ok we are going through this.  I don't want people to feel bad this is my life, because it is, for whatever reason.  I have learned so much and met a lot of people through this experience.  Even though this is the toughest my life has ever been, in every single way, I am finding a way to find some peace.  Though I would do anything to make him better this is his life, and our life and we are finding our path.

40 days left until my due date, which means 42 days, or less until my son will be born.  And as much as I am looking forward to kissing those cheeks I will hold tightly onto every day left.  I hope he is up to staying where he is that whole time, though if he decides he isn't, bags are packed and we are (almost) ready to go.

I know lots of people are out there reading my blog, and praying for us and I truly do appreciate it.  I have only recently realized how many people are taking their time to read our story.  Emery is SO special to us and I am glad we can share this journey.

6 weeks left

As I sit here in a quiet house I thought I would update how everything is going.  Christmas was such a nice time with family, and we had gotten Emery some presents too since it was his only Christmas.  We got him some tiny socks and scratch mittens, and a wall hanging that says"babies are a gift they touch our hearts forever".  Then as gifts for myself I got a statue from my mom that's a mother holding a baby.  I absolutely love it!!  My mom also drew me a beautiful picture of my daughter and I when I was 20 weeks pregnant from a picture my husband took.  I also had a friend make him a picture of Eeyore with his name on it, I was so surprised but it was SO nice.  How can I forget, my favorite gift, from my daughter.  She got my husband and I a little fountain.  My grandparents took her to the store and told her she could pick out something for us and she picked it all by herself.  She said it will cheer my mom right up and explained that each of the spouts (there are 4) were for my husband, myself, her and Emery.  It was the most thoughtful gift ever and it came from a 4 year old!  She was even more excited to give us that then to open hers. The rest of my gifts were scrap-booking stuff so I can make him an awesome book and edit all the pictures.  It was such a great holiday and I have so many precious things for me that make me smile thinking of my son, its amazing.

Speaking of scrap-booking stuff, my shower is in a week.  I haven't heard from many people but it is fine if its small, what I really care about is the things from family.  I decided I am going to let my daughter come so she can decorate a page for his book too.  I also am planning on doing maternity pictures next weekend too.

Went to the doctor yesterday for my 34 week check up.  He has good growth and I have gained 2 pounds from last month, which is the only wait I have gained, and its still less then before pregnancy.  I think it is all him though, I am lots bigger over the past month.  I also told the doctor I thought I started to drop, not all the way, but he seems lots lower.  Which if I really have it could mean he is coming early, only time will tell though, whenever he is ready.

As his due date approaches I become more worried about what is to come.  I don't want to say goodbye yet.  But I am enjoying the time I have left with him, and planning ahead for any outcome.  I still have a few things left to do so he better enjoy where he is for now.  My house needs to be completely cleaned out, and I am well on the way but have more to do.  I need to have my camera cleared off so I can take as many pictures as possible.  I need to finish packing my bag, and my daughters bag(waiting on laundry). I need to check over my birth plan and give copies to my family so they know the plan as well.  I need to make a list of phone numbers I need and make copies for my family too.  I need to put together the book I plan to bring to the hospital for him. I am getting there but still have more to do.  I hope to have this all done in the next week so then no matter what we are ready.

Here are pictures....

Twas a few night before Christmas...

It is the night before Christmas Eve and I have all my shopping done.  I was done for weeks getting everyone stuff but I decided today that even though Emery has everything he needs I wanted to still get him something special.  This will be his only Christmas and I can't just ignore that.  This little unborn baby has made such an impact on my life he certainly deserves a present whether he will ever know the difference.  At first I thought about an ornament, but I really want to wait and have a special one with his birthday on it, and hang it on our tree next year as he spends his first Christmas in Heaven.  My daughter is thrilled to have gotten something for him, she wants to wrap it, and then reopen it for him.  It is so sweet.

Our Christmas will be spent with my family, opening gifts and just being together.  I am looking forward to a relaxing time and hoping it isn't too sad to get through knowing I wont ever watch my boy tear open his presents.  I am determined though to make it the best time possible for his Christmas, and seeing my daughters joy will certainly help that.  Apparently she bought us a present with my grandparents, and she is about to BURST not telling us what it is.  She is so proud of herself to have gotten us something, she keeps saying it will cheer you up, then slaps her hand to her mouth and says "I CANT TELL YOU!"

Emery is growing bigger every day, getting hiccups often still too.  33 weeks down, only 7 left at most.  I have had some contractions the past few days, nothing regular but it made me sure I have everything I need now.  After Christmas I will finish packing and cleaning the house(unless someone wants to clean for me! HA)  so that no matter what we are ready if he decides he is coming early.  Since with his condition, there are no guidelines, we take it as it comes and anything could happen.

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and Happy holidays.  Count your blessings this year.  I have learned over and over this year to count your blessings no matter how small you think they may be, there always is a lot to love.

Many thanks to many people

I first off wanted to say that through such an emotionally trying journey I have met some amazing people.  The lady who made Emery his gowns and many other things for us.  A lady on facebook who sent me such a sweet care package.  Plenty of amazing women to talk to. And yesterday I was blown away yet again by the lady from the funeral home.  I never called another funeral home besides this one.  When I first called she was so nice to me it didn't matter what anyone else had to say.  But she asked me to stop by yesterday and when I did I was shocked by her caring and her generosity.  She went and bought me the book "Heaven is for Real" and a Christmas card and ornament.  I read the entire book last night.  You know she can't possibly get so attached to everyone.  What a sweet person, she also asked if she could come to the hospital and told me she prays for me every day.  I am truly blessed by the people who have been brought into my life.


Also in an update about how things are coming along with delivery plans....I have my hospital bag halfway packed, all Emery's stuff is in it, now its just my clothes that need to get there.  Also his birth certificate is filled out (as much as it can be)  and I pray that I get to use it!!!  I have photographers lined up I just need to know a date because that will depend on which one.  I also have a friend who will be in the room with me when he is born so she can capture all the pictures of when we first see him and hold him, moments that can't be recaptured for a professional when they get to the hospital later.  I am so glad she will do it for me!!

When I got the idea to have a friend help with the pictures I heard this song I hadn't heard before.  It made me cry but it was such an amazing song, I thought I would share they lyrics....

I will carry you by Selah-

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

but there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He love you like this

So I will carry  you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the one who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

and He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beat here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the one who's chosen me

To carry you

We have a date....

The plan is that February 4th is the day we will aim for to be induced.  But we have a back up date as the 11th.  They are 1 week apart and it will depend on if he is ready on the forth, and I am dilated. The midwife doesn't want to make labor too hard on me.  She said that she thinks things will go pretty smoothly, but recommends me getting an epidural just to make it easier.  Guess we will see how things go when it comes down to it.  I was so excited today to get a date but now it makes me really antsy and nervous, its like reality is hitting me all over again.  It is such a short time left and I will forever miss my little boy as long as I live!!

He is getting so big now his little kicks actually hurt and I am so glad I have this time.  I have my birth plan in place and things sound like there are getting together, I only wish I had more ultrasounds so we can look into his little world.  Also my grandparents both got to feel him kick today.  Little moments like that mean a lot since that might be the only moments we have.  He also has been very regularly getting the hiccups usually a couple times a day,  its pretty cute!  I love this little boy!!

Look at that little face!!

How things have been going.

Christmas is coming up fast this year.  For being such a difficult year it has gone by VERY fast.  But as I sit here with all the holiday shopping done I am a little sad at the things I see in front of me. I really was excited to get to buy presents for my son for Christmas.  He already has all that he will need for his short time with us.  (pretty spoiled actually)  But I wish the holidays were going to be different, if it wasn't for my daughter I think I would just skip the whole day.  But her happiness will make everything better, and I will do my best to enjoy it since it is my son's only Christmas, it just is stuck inside my belly.

But he is doing well.  He got the hiccups 3 times yesterday, silly boy.  After the 3rd time he threw himself all over, made me wonder if he was frustrated or uncomfortable.  The doctors told me he cant feel and think but  I swear sometimes the way he reacts he must know a little bit.  After talking to other mom's of anencephaly babies they said that their children had reactions to different things such as fireworks.  And anyone who had any babies who survived for any time at all said they certainly had their own personalities.  It made me happy to hear because as I see him and feel him move I definitely think he has a personality.  He is different then my daughter was for sure, and watching him on ultrasound is probably the cutest thing ever!!  I have also found out that any time I give into cravings he is happy! He wiggles and bounces all over as if to say thanks mom that's just what I wanted!!  He has also made me SO sick when I ate something he didn't think I should.  I had times where he got so far in my belly it blocked any food from getting digested and of course it had to come out the other end.... disgusting, I know but pretty funny. It certainly seems like he knows what he wants!!!

Also on the medical side of things, he is measuring on track.  I started doing it at home since I am SO much smaller with him then I was with my daughter.  (picture to the right is my proof, exactly 2 months before my due dates each one) I will have an official measurement from the doctors office on Friday.  I will also find out how early we can schedule my induction.  I want to know far ahead of time so we can get everything done that we need to do.  Like plan photographers, and someone to be there to bless him.  Plus coordinating the family, and trying to make sure his birthday falls between my mother in law's and my brothers birthdays.  I sure hope we can plan it this far ahead, but I will have to wait and find out.

Jumbled thoughts

Some days I want to slow down the clock, take a break and say wait a minute I am not ready for all this to be happening.  Other days I am ready to face it head on.  I know whats coming and time won't change it.  In a way I a ready to be past it, not past my son, his life or his memory but past the aches and the pain of what losing a child really means. I love my little boy with all my heart and I want as much time with him as is ever possible, since watching him grow isn't possible. But I also see the other side of it. I want my daughter to have siblings, some that aren't 15 years younger then her, I want her to grow up with someone.  But after this I am terrified to think of having more kids.

I feel like Emery's diagnoses really messed up my plan.  Don't get my wrong my son hasn't messed up anything, but this stupid incurable defect has.  It took my little boy away from me.  When you find out you are expecting you immediately think of all your hopes and dreams for your baby.  I imagined my kids playing with each other, and my daughter being such a  great help taking care of him.  I never imagined this, but then again who does??  No one plans to lose a child, during pregnancy, birth or after, it is a terrible tragity that I could never have imagined unless I have gone through it.

Last year as I rode the rollar coaster between thinking my baby was ok, then it wasn't was one of the hardest things I had ever been through.  I didn't know that it got harder then losing a baby who you thought was ok, then I heard the complications of it being a molar pregnacy.  My stress and anxiety was through the roof wondering if I could have kids again.   I was taking anxiety medicine as needed before I found out I was pregnant with Emery.  What if I did this to him?  I wasn't trying to get pregnant, but I guess my life had other plans for me.  But I can't help but wonder if somehow I caused this.  It has made me decide that after my son's birth I am not taking ANY medication.  It makes me worry because I have anxiety anyway and I cannot imagine what the death of my baby will do to that, but I am determined to find a way.  I plan to take nothing and exercise a lot, to get totally healthy and happy.  Happy that I gave my son a  chance to live, not sad that I couldn't have it be much longer.

We will make it through.  Sorry this is a jumbled mess of thoughts, I just got a lot of sleep and thinking done as I woke up before anyone else did.


But some good news, Emery is getting bigger and running out of room to hide his kicks and flips from our hands.  (he always hid if he felt us trying to touch him)  But last night his daddy was snuggled up next to him and talking to him, as his daddy kiss him Emery kicked him so hard it hurt me right in his mouth!!  It was hilarious but his dad was so glad to feel his strong little boy, even if he was using his face to turn around haha.

Emotions

Though today was an emotional day I am getting through it.  I finally found some preemie outfits for Emery, now I have a few newborn and a few preemie ones.  They seem so tiny, it breaks my heart!!

I have felt alone all day though.  This is really testing my husband and I and our daughter.  We are all handling it differently which makes it hard to communicate sometimes.  But though its difficult I know we all love each other.  Even if its just us forever we will be together and will make it through these really hard times.  As I write this and my son bounces around in my belly I only pray for some time with with him alive.  Any moment I will have with him will be a blessing.

Here are some pictures I took tonight.

 This is one newborn, and one preemie outfit to wear under his sweater.

Look how tiny the preemie one is, I thought the newborn one was small!!

 Here is the preemie outfit on my belly, looks like it will fit, unless he keeps growing!!

These are rover and rover :)  We made the dark brown one at build a bear when I found out I was expecting him.  Then as we were looking through old toys to donate we found the light brown one, I didn't even know we had the same one!!  But my daughter is thrilled, one for Emery and a matching one for her, she wants them to both be named Rover.

Clock keeps ticking (far to quickly)

Each day that passes I feel like I am running out of time.  I have to much to do before my son arrives, I just want everything to be perfect, and ready to go.  I need to pack a hospital bag for me, and all the keepsakes for him, just in case he makes an earlier appearance.   Also I need to pack a bag for my daughter, so she can stay at her grandparents after he is born.  Then I need to take all sorts of pictures for a scrapbook I am making for us.  Hopefully tomorrow is nice enough so I can try to get some of those pictures done!!  I need to get maternity pictures taken when I can arrange it.  I need to call the funeral home and make some more arrangements that I have thought of.  Plus Christmas is coming, and I need to finish getting presents together, and making sure my house is clean.  It just feels like this  endless list.

Had a nice day with Emery bumping all over inside though, he really liked the pot stickers I have been craving and finally made for dinner :)  I am sure going to miss him inside me!  Glad that he is safe and comfy and giving me some time to get things together before he comes :)

The countdown begins

10 weeks left until my son's due date.  I should be so happy, getting his room together, making sure we are stocked on diapers and clothes, getting the house in order and instead I want to just lay in bed.  I have no energy to even get up and pick up my house, I just don't seem to care much.  This should be such a happy time for us preparing for our baby but it isn't.  The only happy times I have with him are when I lay down and he beats me up from the inside.  But in the mean time I feel like I am failing as a mom and wife.  I don't want to clean cook or do laundry.  I really don't even want to get up and shower because constantly my mind is consumed with the thoughts that there is less and less time every day with my son.  I am 7 months pregnant and there are only 68 days left before his due date.  I could be buying him Christmas presents, excited for next year us to celebrate holidays as a family of 4.  I am thankful we chose to do it this way to give us as much time with him as possible but it is certainly difficult some days.

A year ago I was finding out I was pregnant.  But as it turns out the month of December and January of last year proved to just be heartbreaking.  First was a roller coaster of is the baby ok or isn't it.  Then they eventually decided I had a miscarriage.  I opted for a D&C instead of "just letting it happen" as the doctor suggested.  4 days after my husbands birthday in January we went in to the hospital and I had the surgery.  A week later, still sad but happy to be moving forward I went to go check up with the doctor.  I went alone as it was just to make sure I was healing correctly, and I felt fine so I figured it was no big deal, right?   The doctor examines me and says I am healing fine but something was wrong, he said he will be back in a minute to talk with me.  A million thoughts are racing through my head as I am alone in the room.  He comes in and tell me I had a molar pregnancy.  What it meant was I would need weekly blood tests until my HCG came down to 100 then every 2 weeks until it was below a 5 then every month after for a whole year!!  He said that I couldn't get pregnant during this time because the molar pregnancy can cause cancer if it comes back so they need to keep it out of my body.  Terrified I drove to my husbands work found him and collapsed.  Not only had I lost the baby I thought I was going to be having but now I might end up with cancer??!?  and I couldn't try again in a few months to get pregnant like after a normal miscarriage.  I was devastated.  But I decided against birth control since I had no idea what caused the molar pregnancy I just wanted my body to be ok and "normal" again without more problems.  I did however start taking anxiety medicine as my anxiety was through the roof!!! Not daily just as needed as a difficult day arose.  Then it came to June.  Half way through June I started to feel pregnant.  Just weird symptoms that would come and go. I went a few days early for my monthly blood test and then called the next day instead of waiting to hear.  The nurse looks it up and says "oh my God!! your HCG is 18,000 and 4 weeks ago it was a 1,  there is no way this can be a normal pregnancy it went way too high way too fast.  Come in tomorrow for an ultrasound."  Great the day of my daughters birthday and I think I have cancer.  We go in the next day for the ultrasound, and SURPRISE I am 6 weeks 5 days pregnant!!  I was shocked and so overjoyed.  It meant that I was ok, we were having a baby, and the molar hadn't come back(if it was going to it would have been then).  The doctor said everything looks good, there is the heartbeat.  I was ecstatic, my baby had a heartbeat, I didn't have cancer and my body wasn't ruined (like I thought after the molar).  The whole beginning of my pregnancy was great, our families were happy for us and I was thrilled to tell my daughter that she got to be a big sister.  We even got to find out on our anniversary that it was a boy!!  What could go wrong right?
A week later that's when my world came crashing down.  11 weeks ago I found out that my son wouldn't get to come home with us.  My miracle baby would never get to grow up in our home.  The past 11 weeks have gone by SO quickly, and now I have even less time then that left with him safe and sound inside.  I cling to every moment with him knowing I am one step closer to his last.  As unfortunate as it is, he has changed my world.  He isn't even born yet and has taught me an unreal amount of strength.  Though some days are like today, where id rather just be alone in bed, I keep going.  I am getting through this so I can be there to show him all the care and Love in the world.