As I count down the days to my due date it becomes much more real that my countdown is also the timer on the end of my son's life. As days tick away until he is born days also tick away from how much time we have left with him. Although I enjoy every kick and hiccup I have with him growing strong inside me what is coming terrifies me. No parent should ever have to count down their child's life. Some people may say that its a pregnancy that he isn't alive until he is born, and even at that he may not be born alive, but he is my baby. He has been growing in me and he has changed my life, and to me it is a big deal. I went through almost 5 months believing he was ok, it never occurred to me that it wouldn't be that way. I don't even think my doctor wanted to tell me, he looked sad (which was saying a lot for him, I always thought he was kind of cold).
Don't get me wrong this is heartbreaking and sad, but I don't want people to feel bad. As sad as it all is I am ok we are going through this. I don't want people to feel bad this is my life, because it is, for whatever reason. I have learned so much and met a lot of people through this experience. Even though this is the toughest my life has ever been, in every single way, I am finding a way to find some peace. Though I would do anything to make him better this is his life, and our life and we are finding our path.
40 days left until my due date, which means 42 days, or less until my son will be born. And as much as I am looking forward to kissing those cheeks I will hold tightly onto every day left. I hope he is up to staying where he is that whole time, though if he decides he isn't, bags are packed and we are (almost) ready to go.
I know lots of people are out there reading my blog, and praying for us and I truly do appreciate it. I have only recently realized how many people are taking their time to read our story. Emery is SO special to us and I am glad we can share this journey.
big hugs <3
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