Some days I want to slow down the clock, take a break and say wait a minute I am not ready for all this to be happening. Other days I am ready to face it head on. I know whats coming and time won't change it. In a way I a ready to be past it, not past my son, his life or his memory but past the aches and the pain of what losing a child really means. I love my little boy with all my heart and I want as much time with him as is ever possible, since watching him grow isn't possible. But I also see the other side of it. I want my daughter to have siblings, some that aren't 15 years younger then her, I want her to grow up with someone. But after this I am terrified to think of having more kids.
I feel like Emery's diagnoses really messed up my plan. Don't get my wrong my son hasn't messed up anything, but this stupid incurable defect has. It took my little boy away from me. When you find out you are expecting you immediately think of all your hopes and dreams for your baby. I imagined my kids playing with each other, and my daughter being such a great help taking care of him. I never imagined this, but then again who does?? No one plans to lose a child, during pregnancy, birth or after, it is a terrible tragity that I could never have imagined unless I have gone through it.
Last year as I rode the rollar coaster between thinking my baby was ok, then it wasn't was one of the hardest things I had ever been through. I didn't know that it got harder then losing a baby who you thought was ok, then I heard the complications of it being a molar pregnacy. My stress and anxiety was through the roof wondering if I could have kids again. I was taking anxiety medicine as needed before I found out I was pregnant with Emery. What if I did this to him? I wasn't trying to get pregnant, but I guess my life had other plans for me. But I can't help but wonder if somehow I caused this. It has made me decide that after my son's birth I am not taking ANY medication. It makes me worry because I have anxiety anyway and I cannot imagine what the death of my baby will do to that, but I am determined to find a way. I plan to take nothing and exercise a lot, to get totally healthy and happy. Happy that I gave my son a chance to live, not sad that I couldn't have it be much longer.
We will make it through. Sorry this is a jumbled mess of thoughts, I just got a lot of sleep and thinking done as I woke up before anyone else did.
But some good news, Emery is getting bigger and running out of room to hide his kicks and flips from our hands. (he always hid if he felt us trying to touch him) But last night his daddy was snuggled up next to him and talking to him, as his daddy kiss him Emery kicked him so hard it hurt me right in his mouth!! It was hilarious but his dad was so glad to feel his strong little boy, even if he was using his face to turn around haha.
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