10 weeks left until my son's due date. I should be so happy, getting his room together, making sure we are stocked on diapers and clothes, getting the house in order and instead I want to just lay in bed. I have no energy to even get up and pick up my house, I just don't seem to care much. This should be such a happy time for us preparing for our baby but it isn't. The only happy times I have with him are when I lay down and he beats me up from the inside. But in the mean time I feel like I am failing as a mom and wife. I don't want to clean cook or do laundry. I really don't even want to get up and shower because constantly my mind is consumed with the thoughts that there is less and less time every day with my son. I am 7 months pregnant and there are only 68 days left before his due date. I could be buying him Christmas presents, excited for next year us to celebrate holidays as a family of 4. I am thankful we chose to do it this way to give us as much time with him as possible but it is certainly difficult some days.
A year ago I was finding out I was pregnant. But as it turns out the month of December and January of last year proved to just be heartbreaking. First was a roller coaster of is the baby ok or isn't it. Then they eventually decided I had a miscarriage. I opted for a D&C instead of "just letting it happen" as the doctor suggested. 4 days after my husbands birthday in January we went in to the hospital and I had the surgery. A week later, still sad but happy to be moving forward I went to go check up with the doctor. I went alone as it was just to make sure I was healing correctly, and I felt fine so I figured it was no big deal, right? The doctor examines me and says I am healing fine but something was wrong, he said he will be back in a minute to talk with me. A million thoughts are racing through my head as I am alone in the room. He comes in and tell me I had a molar pregnancy. What it meant was I would need weekly blood tests until my HCG came down to 100 then every 2 weeks until it was below a 5 then every month after for a whole year!! He said that I couldn't get pregnant during this time because the molar pregnancy can cause cancer if it comes back so they need to keep it out of my body. Terrified I drove to my husbands work found him and collapsed. Not only had I lost the baby I thought I was going to be having but now I might end up with cancer??!? and I couldn't try again in a few months to get pregnant like after a normal miscarriage. I was devastated. But I decided against birth control since I had no idea what caused the molar pregnancy I just wanted my body to be ok and "normal" again without more problems. I did however start taking anxiety medicine as my anxiety was through the roof!!! Not daily just as needed as a difficult day arose. Then it came to June. Half way through June I started to feel pregnant. Just weird symptoms that would come and go. I went a few days early for my monthly blood test and then called the next day instead of waiting to hear. The nurse looks it up and says "oh my God!! your HCG is 18,000 and 4 weeks ago it was a 1, there is no way this can be a normal pregnancy it went way too high way too fast. Come in tomorrow for an ultrasound." Great the day of my daughters birthday and I think I have cancer. We go in the next day for the ultrasound, and SURPRISE I am 6 weeks 5 days pregnant!! I was shocked and so overjoyed. It meant that I was ok, we were having a baby, and the molar hadn't come back(if it was going to it would have been then). The doctor said everything looks good, there is the heartbeat. I was ecstatic, my baby had a heartbeat, I didn't have cancer and my body wasn't ruined (like I thought after the molar). The whole beginning of my pregnancy was great, our families were happy for us and I was thrilled to tell my daughter that she got to be a big sister. We even got to find out on our anniversary that it was a boy!! What could go wrong right?
A week later that's when my world came crashing down. 11 weeks ago I found out that my son wouldn't get to come home with us. My miracle baby would never get to grow up in our home. The past 11 weeks have gone by SO quickly, and now I have even less time then that left with him safe and sound inside. I cling to every moment with him knowing I am one step closer to his last. As unfortunate as it is, he has changed my world. He isn't even born yet and has taught me an unreal amount of strength. Though some days are like today, where id rather just be alone in bed, I keep going. I am getting through this so I can be there to show him all the care and Love in the world.
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