1 week

Today I should be celebrating 1 week old with my son.  Instead it has been 1 week since he has been an angel.  I should be holding him kissing him and tickling his toes.  Instead I am waiting for his urn to be delivered and waiting for a call as to when his cremation will take place.  What a horribly awful thing to be doing as a parent.  I should be feeding him, and changing his diaper, rocking him when he cries, things that I will never get to do for him.  I know now that he had a much bigger purpose then my selfish wishes, but I can't help but think about it.  My heart goes out to any parent who has ever had to do this.  Your mind wanders about the what if's instead of the what are's.

As most people are adjusting to a new schedule with baby I am adjusting to my life without one.  I am putting pictures of our time together on my wall.  I have been working on his baby book.  I got a charm bracelet to add on to remember him. It is a weird thing to plan your life with your angel.  It is hard to love someone so much and know you can never again hug or kiss them.  My son was and always will have a huge impact on my life, it is just strange to know he won't physically be a part of it.

It was one week ago that I saw my son's face.  I held him in my arms and loved him more then I could explain.  It was one week ago my whole family met him.  Just a brief moment in their lives that were forever changed by the presence of Emery.  It was one week ago I listened to my son's heartbeat and gave him his first bath.  It was one week ago I filled my camera with pictures of every inch of his body and wished for the clock to slow down.  It was one week ago I said hello and goodbye to my son.  One week ago my life was changed forever.  My son, my hero, my angel, my little dragonfly.