I have been readjusting to not having a baby taking up all the space in my belly. Sometimes I have phantom kick, I remember what it was like having my little boy bouncing around and think for just a moment I am feeling him. It is so strange that he was only there for 9 months, and it is weird to not have him there. 9 months is only a fraction of my life but he was so important I feel empty and not right just by having him not there. The first night after I had him that I rolled over onto my stomach I cried myself to sleep. I missed having him force me to lay on my side. As uncomfortable as sleeping on my side with a giant stomach could be I would go back and do it a million times over to have him in there again. With my daughter I was so thrilled to be over my pregnancy. I was excited to have a flatter belly, and to sleep like normal again, but this time, with no baby to carry around I feel completely different. Don't get me wrong I am glad I have already lost a bunch of weight (especially great since I didn't gain any weight while pregnant) but I would give it all up to have more time with him.
Even though my son's life was so short, and he only lived outside of me for 11 minutes( I had guessed 3 because time was flying by, but hospital paperwork says 11) I wish I could relive that say together over and over. Every time we looked at the clock, hours had gone by and my husband and I both wished time would just have slowed down. People told me that it would be the happiest and saddest day of my life, that I wished I could relive every day, and that couldn't be more true. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since he has born and it feels like yesterday and years ago all at the same time. Losing a child, you have to hold onto the past as a piece of you is always going to be there. Most of the time in life you need to look ahead and move past the past, but in this case it isn't possible. When he left me, he took a piece of me with him, it has changed my concept of time warping everything into fast and slow at the same time.
There are times too when I am alone I start to talk to him, like I talked to my belly, and then realize he is no longer there, I have got to say it really makes me miss him. Every once and a while to I notice my husband start to hug my belly, or start to say something and then he stops himself. During his short time with us Emery was such a part of our daily routine. I think we did more then we ever normally would have to keep him connected with us every day. We figured time was short and we should include him in every day. I loved when my husband would talk to him, Emery did too. We were told by the doctors that he couldn't see or hear or feel, but really I don't think they knew what they were talking about. When he would hear us talk he would freeze, when he would feel us touch him he would kick back, and if my husband was laying with him and then left he would throw himself around. He also got so mad when he had the hiccups, hard to believe he had no idea what was going on like the doctor said.
Sometimes this feels like a dream. I know it is my life, I have been living it ever since we recieved his diagnoses, but some days it still feels like a dream. I know this whole blog sounds sad, but I am more just reminiscing I miss him yes, think about him every day, yes, and would do anything to get him back, but I am thankful for the time we did have, and I am SO very happy I got to see my handsome son, and his beautiful face.
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