Finding Emery in every day

If you are looking for information about his memorial click Here.

Otherwise...

I have not written in a few days so I could leave up info about his memorial, but now I have to much to say SO I want to write again :)  Last night I was able to go and do something I had been planning to do for months.  Ever since I knew about Emery's diagnoses I knew I wanted to get a tattoo in his memory, to always carry a piece of him close to me.  I also wanted it to be something to include my daughter, since it would be my first tattoo and I didn't want to do something for Emery when I hadn't done anything for her.  I knew it had to be something to incorporate both my kids.  As soon as I noticed all the dragonflies I knew it had to be a dragonfly and a butterfly.  We had always called my daughter the butterfly princess because she was surrounded by butterflies, every year on her birthday we see more then we ever see!  Then since my baby shower I had decided to add my flowers to it.  Someone had told me the meaning of cherry blossoms at my shower and I thought it was beautiful.  I actually had read online that it had 2 meanings depending on the country.  One was feminine power and beauty, the other is the transience of life.  Because the cherry blossom is very beautiful but its life is very short.  I felt like it fit both of my kids, it was perfect.  Then I decided about the iris'.  Iris is Emery's middle name, it means love.  I also came up with the idea of more of a water color style tattoo because I wanted it to be different!  I didn't want the same tattoo that everyone else has.  I wanted it to look more like a picture then a tattoo, outlined in black.  SO  I finally got it last night.  I love it, now I always have my butterfly and dragonfly here with me :)

I went to church today for the first time in a few months.  I have never gone regularly, as I never was really religious.  When you are told that your baby will die I imagine a lit of people question God asking how could this happen?  or Why me?  Why my baby?  But during the pregnancy and especially since he has been born, my husband and I both have found God more then we ever had before.  We had a new faith, and took comfort in believing that our son was looking down from heaven.  Also the people of this church have been so amazing to us, even though we hadn't been going.  We had people visit us in the hospital, and I had people come up to me today, who I didn't even know, tell me they were praying for me.  The pastor even had come to the hospital when Emery was born and baptized him for us and said a prayer for him.  It was so special and beautiful.  Why would I not want to go to this church with so many caring people??  It was nice going to church today, but it did make me miss Emery a lot!!  He was just on my mind the whole time.  Maybe I missed him so much because he was in church with us :) who knows.

I am so lucky to have gotten to share my son with so many people.  I love that I get to talk about him all the time and people are interested in hearing about it!   I am so blessed to know how many people he has touched.  I think that as I have watched the number of people reading this blog continue to grow I have just been completely blown away.  I have heard from many people about publishing it into a book.  I really am starting to think it might be a good idea.    I have people follow me on facebook, and read this regularly just to hear about us.I have talked to people who have been in the same situation and been able to share my story, and to help them find their way through they journeys with their babies.   It has only been 18 days since I have lost my son but I so want to help others through it as much as I can.  I learned a lot about what was really important and how to cherish that.  I know of support groups, and people who can make everything from gowns, to bears, or to help make sure you have a birth plan and keepsakes for your children.  Every parent should be able to walk away knowing that everything they did and planned was what they had wanted for their child.
I will continue writing my blog regularly, updating about our journey with Emery, while he is looking down on us, but while I do all this I think I will look into how to publish it.  I would love to reach as many people as possible so that they know they are not alone.  They should know it is ok to be angry, or sad.  It is NORMAL!  A lot of this makes you question what to do, and if your handling it well.  Some think you have to fake happiness, or even sadness because you aren't doing it right.  But who is to say you aren't doing it right.  What is right for me may not be close to what is right for you, or the people in your life, but I want to share what I have learned.  I want to be able to share my son, and his beautiful journey.  I have found him in my life every day since he has been gone, and I want to continue that.  He may not be in my arms like most other newborns, but he is sure here with me :)  I am so lucky to have held my angel before he spent every day holding me, helping me make sure I still hold on to happiness.