Emotions

The emotion roller coaster that begins the moment you receive a diagnoses telling you your child will die is unreal.  It speeds up and twists and turns faster and crazier as time grows near slamming to a hault when your baby is in your arms.  No matter the fate of your child, the love you feel for them is so unreal and greatly surpasses any fear or sadness.  In the moment you see your child's face all you feel is joy.  Though I will never feel as though I ever had enough time with my son I have to say every moment I saw him was one of happiness.  The most special moment was when he was first born, with him laying in my arms and the nurse let me hear his heartbeat.  It was a moment I will forever remember and cherish.  Since he was with us for just moments I was so lucky to have held him his whole life.  Even after he passed, I was happy though, I knew he was at peace.  I couldn't stop staring, I wanted to memorize every moment, every inch of his body.

I was so happy to have my family there as well.  Everyone got a chance to hold him, and there was lots of tears, but also so much love.  I loved sharing him with all the people who loved him, and loved us.  The day we spent with him couldn't have been more perfect.  We have pictures of every moment and once our families left I spent time taking pictures of every inch of his precious body.  He had very long finger nails, and hair all over his body.  He had long little toes, and huge shoulders.  He had such muscular arms and legs.  My son was so precious and melted me.  I am thankful for all the pictures of every moment so that every day I can look and smile and remember the time we shared.

The roller coaster unfortunately started again.  As  the moments with him flew by it was eventually time to say goodbye.  I held him one last time and kissed his cheek, then handed him over to the nurse.  As soon as the door closed behind her I broke down.  My husband caught me before I hit the floor, and together we just stood there, holding each other and crying.  Who is ever ready to give up their child?  I couldn't tell my little boy goodbye,  I just wanted to bring him home and carry him around with me.  In a strange way I was thankful to have a time limit set.  The hospital didn't set one but the donation place did.  They needed to do the surgery within a certain amount of time, and though I would I have LOVED more time with Emery, I am glad I didn't have to make the call as to when to say goodbye.  We kept him with us for every moment we were allowed.  The nurse came to get him right at 11pm which was when he had to leave by.  It broke me saying goodbye, but I later found out I wasn't the only one.

I guess after the nurse took Emery, she stopped by the nurses station and cried, she couldn't give him up either.  She was so touched by us and by him that she had a hard time saying goodbye too.  I guess they all passed him around and each nurse took a moment to say goodbye.  I know we got so lucky to have the hospital and nurses that we did.  They truly cared for him and for us, and the whole time treated him normally and did anything to make us comfortable.

That night I cried myself to sleep.  Stuck in the hospital, exhausted and overwhelmed, I was spending my first night without my son.  I even woke up in the night and cried some more.  I felt empty and alone and had no idea how to handle it all.  In the morning I got up really early, ready to go home.  I said goodbye to one of my favorite nurses (as she left at 6am) and waited around for them to let me leave.  But then I got a phone call from the donation place.  They told me that the surgery was done and he was on his way to the funeral home.  She said that his little heart was perfect and he would be saving 2 babies!!  She also said we could find out when they are used, and the story that goes with it.  I hung up the phone and lost it.  Once again my husband and I are in tears.  But this was tears of happiness.  Our son who we couldn't save, was able to save 2 other babies.  Because of our special son, 2 other families would get to know their babies.  What an amazing gift I never expected to be able to give.  There was so much happiness in it we left the hospital in peace.  It was weird to come home with no baby but there was some strange peace that followed us, I know he was looking out for us.

As days continue emotions still flip flop.  Some days I am so happy, so at peace.  Other days I want to stay in bed and cry.  Losing a baby is not a fair part of life.  It is something I hope others do not have to experience, but unfortunately I have found out I am not a rare occurance.  My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child,  it is a hole in your heart that can never be healed.  I hope though that my openness about my journey with Emery I can show someone that love is more powerful then tragedy.  My love for him is so much more powerful then the grief I have.  As I remember the time I had with him love fills me so much more then grief does.  Yes I am sad.  Yes this is hard.  Yes I wish things were different. Yes sometimes I completely break down. But I know my son will be my angel looking out for me from above, and for that I am not afraid anymore.  No matter what life brings I have an angel to fill me up with love and strength.

One of my favorite pictures!