My arms are empty but my heart is full

It is 20 days after the birth, and sadly death of my son.  I sit here with a heavy heart, thought it doesn't feel empty.  My heart is filled with more love then ever.  Emery made my heart grow bigger then it was.  I may not have my son in my arms, like most mothers of a 3 week old, but I have the same love for him.  I have the same pride a mother has for their child.  I have a heavy heart as I sit here, planning his memorial and thinking about him, but I certainly don't feel empty.   My son brought so much to my life and continues to.  He taught me to enjoy every moment with the people you love, a lesson not very well known until your facing mortality and you realize how precious and much value your loved ones carry.  He taught me to share, and to give as much as possible.  I may not have much money, but I have time and I can sure share that.  I want to help other families who are facing the death of their children.  It is something that made such a huge difference to me, was meeting others who were just compassionate about what I was going through because they went through it themselves.  

I have enjoyed sharing Emery's story and I still do.  He still touches my life every day and I am always looking for ways to incorporate him into my days. I work on his scrapbook, and hang pictures of him in my house.  I took his stuffed dog we got while I was pregnant and stuffed him with rice, to make him weigh the same as Emery did.  I love continuing to write about him regularly.  It helps me process all of this, and helps me through my sad times as well as happy ones.

I a really missing him tonight.  It isn't fair he isn't here with me.  I know he saved 2 other babies, and I would never be in the position I am where I can possibly help other families going through the same things if I hadn't lost my son.  But I am selfish and I just want him back with me so badly.  Even if I think of more kids in the future, I just think I will be bringing him home.  Like this is just a bump in the road and I will have him back with me soon.  It is such a weird thing to wrap your head around that your child is never coming back.  What an uncomfortable thought.  I mean I know it is true, and most of the time I can handle that, but it isn't easy, even on the best days.  And I do have many of those.

It is ok for a parent in this situation to have good days and bad.  But no one should have to "fake it" just to fulfill an image that others have of what you should be doing.  When I have good days I really have good days,  and when I have bad ones that is ok too.  I am not depressed because I cry about missing my son.  I am not crazy just because I am genuinely happy about the time we shared.  There isn't a book or guideline for grief, there are ups and downs and there is no controlling that.  Life is messy and grief is certainly not an exception.

I planted some seeds for him today.  They came with his urn and a message saying to plant them in your loved ones memory.  Hopefully I make them grow and don't kill them, since I normally suck at watering plants.  I just think it will be so nice to look at the flowers and think of him.  

I love my son and miss him so very much, but I know he is looking out for me, and sending me dragonflies every day. :)