Found my luck

"Before you were conceived I wanted you 

Before you were born I loved you 

Before you were here an hour I would give my life for you 

This is the miracle of life. ~ Maureen Hawkins"

I don't think there is a statement more true then this one for my son.  I had always wanted a son.  I am not really sure what it was but I always dreamt of having a son.  I love him more then I can express in words, and I did my best to show him by giving him a birthday.  To some it may not seem like much, to others who have been there, its huge. When your child recieves a terminal diagnoses deciding how to handle it is one of the hardest things, at least for me it was.  

Although the decision didn't take long to make it was a hard one knowing all the things that would go into it.  What do I say when people ask about my pregnancy?  How do I handle all the physical changes, before and after, without having my baby here to care for?  How can I put so much love into him, knowing I will have to let go?  It was a lot to think about, and continues to be!  Luckily I have a ton of support and I have found strength in telling my story.  I don't go around announcing it to strangers, but at the same time, when someone is pushy with a million questions like are you excited?  I bet your ready to give birth already huh? ect.  I usually tell them.  No I am not ready to give birth,  no excited isn't really the right word.  I explain that this baby I am carrying is very very loved but his time with us will be much shorter then most.  I am not ready to give up his kicks, I want to hold on to every moment for as long as possible.  Some people seem SHOCKED when I tell them, but I think it teaches them a lesson to love every moment in their own lives.  I talked to a lady at the store a few weeks ago, she had a million questions for me, and she was also pregnant.  She wanted to know girl or boy?  I answered boy.  She wanted to know when I was due?  February 9th.  I bet your ready huh?( I was about 36 weeks)  I answered no not really.  Then she told me how she was due in March and being pregnant sucks and she cant wait to have her kid already, I must be crazy for not wanting to have him yet.  And I told her.  "my son is terminally I'll,  I decided to carry him to term because I wanted as much time with him as possible, and though its quickly running out I am not ready to put an end to it any sooner.  I normally wouldnt like being pregnant either, I didn't with my daughter, its hard work! But my son has taught me to love the moments.  The pain, tiredness and million other less fun things about being pregnant just mean I am doing what I can for my son.  Since I cannot fix him, I can certainly sacrifice my comfort for him."  She looked at me stunned, and started crying.  My goal was certainly not to make her cry, just simply to understand where I was coming from.  Her husband walked up at this time and I am sure he thought she was nuts!  She told me that she couldn't imagine having the strength I did,  that she would pray for me and for a miracle.  She also said she would cherish the rest of her pregnancy with her baby, remembering how precious it really was. 

 I feel that Emery's story is important and I am happy to share what I can.  Actually, this blog has over 1600 page views, most of them recently!  I hope that people are able to find strength in our story, I have no idea where mine has come from but I am happy to share it how I can!

Emery hasn't been born yet and if I could sacrifice my own life to save his I would do it in a heart beat.  I know that I am unable to do so, so I will love him every moment and be a better mom to my daughter.  Life is so short and so unknown, I want her to know that she is my priority in every way, at all times.  I can't fix Emery's life but I can use what it has taught me and be the best mom to my daughter that I can possibly be.

Also in just over 36 hours I will be going into the hospital to start my induction.  Emery is happy and bouncing around today, enjoying all of his time where he is safe and warm.  I pray for an uncomplicated delivery, and that it isn't too hard on him.  No matter what he has put up an amazing fight to be here and I am proud of him!!  I am lucky he has been brought into my life, no matter how badly I wish he was going to be growing up with me, I know that I am lucky.  I found a quote online while I was pregnant, it said "most people only dream of angels I got to hold one in my arms"  It really opened my eyes to knowing that I was lucky!  Maybe not in the most conventional way, but luck was something we did have on our side.

Since I will most likely be holding my son 2 days from now I am not sure when I will be on here again to update.  I plan to enjoy every second I have with him and I will share him afterwards.  Thank you for all the love support and prayers for us and our families.  These next few days may not be easy and I am thankful knowing that so many people are out there praying and thinking of us.  As I said before, how lucky am I??