Being a sister to an angel

What does it mean to be a sister?  By definition it mean you are related to other children that your parents have.  But traditionally, the way most people see it, is the siblings you grow up with.  You tease each other, and play with each other, you protect each other.  You figure out life as you work your ways through your childhood, together.  How are you a sister when your brother is an angel?

My daughter was so worried when we told her that her brother was sick that it meant she didn't get to be a big sister.  We promised that even though he wasn't coming home with us she would always be his big sister. My husband and I sat and talked with her, we told her that he would always be our son, therefore he would always be her brother.  We did our best to explain to her what it would mean, but it was certainly not easy, because we weren't even sure what it meant to us.

We did our best to include her in the pregnancy, the way we would if everything was normal.  She came to ultrasounds and we painted my belly.  We talked about him and prayed for him at night. We assured her she would be his sister always.  I even let her explain to people that mommy had her brother in her tummy,  I think it helped her process.  She also  drew pictures for him and wrote him letters, telling him she would always love him. Her love for her brother, who she only knew through kicks and pictures was so strong.

Once we were in the hospital she was so excited to see him. Every time she walked into the room she asked if Emery was here yet.  We got her a shirt that said big sister and she anxiously awaited his arrival.  She decided she didn't want to hold him at the time, I think she was overwhelmed by everything going on.  She took pictures of him, and helped us sing him happy birthday, but she kept her distance, a little nervous as to what was going on.  As she told us goodbye and left us at the hospital she seemed happy and ok with everything.

A few days later though she asked me if Emery ever woke up.  We told her that he had gone with the angels, upset she said "why didn't I get to take him to the angels?"  I was at a loss for how to explain it, and didn't want to talk anymore.  I felt so bad.  I tried my best to prepare her, and myself for questions she may have but that threw me.  How do I answer that?  She hasn't brought it up anymore but it is still an answer I am trying to find.  It is a hard thing for an adult to comprehend, how do you tell a 4 year old?

It has been 6 days since the birth of her brother and she loves him as much as ever.  Each night she prays for him, and thanks him for saving 2 other babies.  She has pictures in her room, and his hand prints and footprints on her wall.  She has a matching hospital blanket, the same as the one he had.  She loves him as much as if he was here.  Rover (a dog that matches one we made him) is always near by and she loves looking through his baby book I am working on.

To be a sister to an angel it means you hold onto a memory, to pictures instead of a hand.  But it doesn't mean the love is any less.  Emery will always be her brother whether she is 4 or 40 and I know she will always have a special place for him in her heart.  She may be young, but she is so smart, and so full of love he has touched her heart forever.

I am so proud of the strength and love that my daughter has :)