A dose of reality

As I count down the days to my due date it becomes much more real that my countdown is also the timer on the end of my son's life.  As days tick away until he is born days also tick away from how much time we have left with him.  Although I enjoy every kick and hiccup I have with him growing strong inside me what is coming terrifies me.  No parent should ever have to count down their child's life.  Some people may say that its a pregnancy that he isn't alive until he is born, and even at that he may not be born alive,  but he is my baby.  He has been growing in me and he has changed my life, and to me it is a big deal.  I went through almost 5 months believing he was ok, it never occurred to me that it wouldn't be that way.  I don't even think my doctor wanted to tell me, he looked sad (which was saying a lot for him, I always thought he was kind of cold).

Don't get me wrong this is heartbreaking and sad, but I don't want people to feel bad.  As sad as it all is I am ok we are going through this.  I don't want people to feel bad this is my life, because it is, for whatever reason.  I have learned so much and met a lot of people through this experience.  Even though this is the toughest my life has ever been, in every single way, I am finding a way to find some peace.  Though I would do anything to make him better this is his life, and our life and we are finding our path.

40 days left until my due date, which means 42 days, or less until my son will be born.  And as much as I am looking forward to kissing those cheeks I will hold tightly onto every day left.  I hope he is up to staying where he is that whole time, though if he decides he isn't, bags are packed and we are (almost) ready to go.

I know lots of people are out there reading my blog, and praying for us and I truly do appreciate it.  I have only recently realized how many people are taking their time to read our story.  Emery is SO special to us and I am glad we can share this journey.

6 weeks left

As I sit here in a quiet house I thought I would update how everything is going.  Christmas was such a nice time with family, and we had gotten Emery some presents too since it was his only Christmas.  We got him some tiny socks and scratch mittens, and a wall hanging that says"babies are a gift they touch our hearts forever".  Then as gifts for myself I got a statue from my mom that's a mother holding a baby.  I absolutely love it!!  My mom also drew me a beautiful picture of my daughter and I when I was 20 weeks pregnant from a picture my husband took.  I also had a friend make him a picture of Eeyore with his name on it, I was so surprised but it was SO nice.  How can I forget, my favorite gift, from my daughter.  She got my husband and I a little fountain.  My grandparents took her to the store and told her she could pick out something for us and she picked it all by herself.  She said it will cheer my mom right up and explained that each of the spouts (there are 4) were for my husband, myself, her and Emery.  It was the most thoughtful gift ever and it came from a 4 year old!  She was even more excited to give us that then to open hers. The rest of my gifts were scrap-booking stuff so I can make him an awesome book and edit all the pictures.  It was such a great holiday and I have so many precious things for me that make me smile thinking of my son, its amazing.

Speaking of scrap-booking stuff, my shower is in a week.  I haven't heard from many people but it is fine if its small, what I really care about is the things from family.  I decided I am going to let my daughter come so she can decorate a page for his book too.  I also am planning on doing maternity pictures next weekend too.

Went to the doctor yesterday for my 34 week check up.  He has good growth and I have gained 2 pounds from last month, which is the only wait I have gained, and its still less then before pregnancy.  I think it is all him though, I am lots bigger over the past month.  I also told the doctor I thought I started to drop, not all the way, but he seems lots lower.  Which if I really have it could mean he is coming early, only time will tell though, whenever he is ready.

As his due date approaches I become more worried about what is to come.  I don't want to say goodbye yet.  But I am enjoying the time I have left with him, and planning ahead for any outcome.  I still have a few things left to do so he better enjoy where he is for now.  My house needs to be completely cleaned out, and I am well on the way but have more to do.  I need to have my camera cleared off so I can take as many pictures as possible.  I need to finish packing my bag, and my daughters bag(waiting on laundry). I need to check over my birth plan and give copies to my family so they know the plan as well.  I need to make a list of phone numbers I need and make copies for my family too.  I need to put together the book I plan to bring to the hospital for him. I am getting there but still have more to do.  I hope to have this all done in the next week so then no matter what we are ready.

Here are pictures....

Twas a few night before Christmas...

It is the night before Christmas Eve and I have all my shopping done.  I was done for weeks getting everyone stuff but I decided today that even though Emery has everything he needs I wanted to still get him something special.  This will be his only Christmas and I can't just ignore that.  This little unborn baby has made such an impact on my life he certainly deserves a present whether he will ever know the difference.  At first I thought about an ornament, but I really want to wait and have a special one with his birthday on it, and hang it on our tree next year as he spends his first Christmas in Heaven.  My daughter is thrilled to have gotten something for him, she wants to wrap it, and then reopen it for him.  It is so sweet.

Our Christmas will be spent with my family, opening gifts and just being together.  I am looking forward to a relaxing time and hoping it isn't too sad to get through knowing I wont ever watch my boy tear open his presents.  I am determined though to make it the best time possible for his Christmas, and seeing my daughters joy will certainly help that.  Apparently she bought us a present with my grandparents, and she is about to BURST not telling us what it is.  She is so proud of herself to have gotten us something, she keeps saying it will cheer you up, then slaps her hand to her mouth and says "I CANT TELL YOU!"

Emery is growing bigger every day, getting hiccups often still too.  33 weeks down, only 7 left at most.  I have had some contractions the past few days, nothing regular but it made me sure I have everything I need now.  After Christmas I will finish packing and cleaning the house(unless someone wants to clean for me! HA)  so that no matter what we are ready if he decides he is coming early.  Since with his condition, there are no guidelines, we take it as it comes and anything could happen.

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and Happy holidays.  Count your blessings this year.  I have learned over and over this year to count your blessings no matter how small you think they may be, there always is a lot to love.

Many thanks to many people

I first off wanted to say that through such an emotionally trying journey I have met some amazing people.  The lady who made Emery his gowns and many other things for us.  A lady on facebook who sent me such a sweet care package.  Plenty of amazing women to talk to. And yesterday I was blown away yet again by the lady from the funeral home.  I never called another funeral home besides this one.  When I first called she was so nice to me it didn't matter what anyone else had to say.  But she asked me to stop by yesterday and when I did I was shocked by her caring and her generosity.  She went and bought me the book "Heaven is for Real" and a Christmas card and ornament.  I read the entire book last night.  You know she can't possibly get so attached to everyone.  What a sweet person, she also asked if she could come to the hospital and told me she prays for me every day.  I am truly blessed by the people who have been brought into my life.


Also in an update about how things are coming along with delivery plans....I have my hospital bag halfway packed, all Emery's stuff is in it, now its just my clothes that need to get there.  Also his birth certificate is filled out (as much as it can be)  and I pray that I get to use it!!!  I have photographers lined up I just need to know a date because that will depend on which one.  I also have a friend who will be in the room with me when he is born so she can capture all the pictures of when we first see him and hold him, moments that can't be recaptured for a professional when they get to the hospital later.  I am so glad she will do it for me!!

When I got the idea to have a friend help with the pictures I heard this song I hadn't heard before.  It made me cry but it was such an amazing song, I thought I would share they lyrics....

I will carry you by Selah-

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

but there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He love you like this

So I will carry  you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the one who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

and He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beat here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the one who's chosen me

To carry you

We have a date....

The plan is that February 4th is the day we will aim for to be induced.  But we have a back up date as the 11th.  They are 1 week apart and it will depend on if he is ready on the forth, and I am dilated. The midwife doesn't want to make labor too hard on me.  She said that she thinks things will go pretty smoothly, but recommends me getting an epidural just to make it easier.  Guess we will see how things go when it comes down to it.  I was so excited today to get a date but now it makes me really antsy and nervous, its like reality is hitting me all over again.  It is such a short time left and I will forever miss my little boy as long as I live!!

He is getting so big now his little kicks actually hurt and I am so glad I have this time.  I have my birth plan in place and things sound like there are getting together, I only wish I had more ultrasounds so we can look into his little world.  Also my grandparents both got to feel him kick today.  Little moments like that mean a lot since that might be the only moments we have.  He also has been very regularly getting the hiccups usually a couple times a day,  its pretty cute!  I love this little boy!!

Look at that little face!!

How things have been going.

Christmas is coming up fast this year.  For being such a difficult year it has gone by VERY fast.  But as I sit here with all the holiday shopping done I am a little sad at the things I see in front of me. I really was excited to get to buy presents for my son for Christmas.  He already has all that he will need for his short time with us.  (pretty spoiled actually)  But I wish the holidays were going to be different, if it wasn't for my daughter I think I would just skip the whole day.  But her happiness will make everything better, and I will do my best to enjoy it since it is my son's only Christmas, it just is stuck inside my belly.

But he is doing well.  He got the hiccups 3 times yesterday, silly boy.  After the 3rd time he threw himself all over, made me wonder if he was frustrated or uncomfortable.  The doctors told me he cant feel and think but  I swear sometimes the way he reacts he must know a little bit.  After talking to other mom's of anencephaly babies they said that their children had reactions to different things such as fireworks.  And anyone who had any babies who survived for any time at all said they certainly had their own personalities.  It made me happy to hear because as I see him and feel him move I definitely think he has a personality.  He is different then my daughter was for sure, and watching him on ultrasound is probably the cutest thing ever!!  I have also found out that any time I give into cravings he is happy! He wiggles and bounces all over as if to say thanks mom that's just what I wanted!!  He has also made me SO sick when I ate something he didn't think I should.  I had times where he got so far in my belly it blocked any food from getting digested and of course it had to come out the other end.... disgusting, I know but pretty funny. It certainly seems like he knows what he wants!!!

Also on the medical side of things, he is measuring on track.  I started doing it at home since I am SO much smaller with him then I was with my daughter.  (picture to the right is my proof, exactly 2 months before my due dates each one) I will have an official measurement from the doctors office on Friday.  I will also find out how early we can schedule my induction.  I want to know far ahead of time so we can get everything done that we need to do.  Like plan photographers, and someone to be there to bless him.  Plus coordinating the family, and trying to make sure his birthday falls between my mother in law's and my brothers birthdays.  I sure hope we can plan it this far ahead, but I will have to wait and find out.

Jumbled thoughts

Some days I want to slow down the clock, take a break and say wait a minute I am not ready for all this to be happening.  Other days I am ready to face it head on.  I know whats coming and time won't change it.  In a way I a ready to be past it, not past my son, his life or his memory but past the aches and the pain of what losing a child really means. I love my little boy with all my heart and I want as much time with him as is ever possible, since watching him grow isn't possible. But I also see the other side of it. I want my daughter to have siblings, some that aren't 15 years younger then her, I want her to grow up with someone.  But after this I am terrified to think of having more kids.

I feel like Emery's diagnoses really messed up my plan.  Don't get my wrong my son hasn't messed up anything, but this stupid incurable defect has.  It took my little boy away from me.  When you find out you are expecting you immediately think of all your hopes and dreams for your baby.  I imagined my kids playing with each other, and my daughter being such a  great help taking care of him.  I never imagined this, but then again who does??  No one plans to lose a child, during pregnancy, birth or after, it is a terrible tragity that I could never have imagined unless I have gone through it.

Last year as I rode the rollar coaster between thinking my baby was ok, then it wasn't was one of the hardest things I had ever been through.  I didn't know that it got harder then losing a baby who you thought was ok, then I heard the complications of it being a molar pregnacy.  My stress and anxiety was through the roof wondering if I could have kids again.   I was taking anxiety medicine as needed before I found out I was pregnant with Emery.  What if I did this to him?  I wasn't trying to get pregnant, but I guess my life had other plans for me.  But I can't help but wonder if somehow I caused this.  It has made me decide that after my son's birth I am not taking ANY medication.  It makes me worry because I have anxiety anyway and I cannot imagine what the death of my baby will do to that, but I am determined to find a way.  I plan to take nothing and exercise a lot, to get totally healthy and happy.  Happy that I gave my son a  chance to live, not sad that I couldn't have it be much longer.

We will make it through.  Sorry this is a jumbled mess of thoughts, I just got a lot of sleep and thinking done as I woke up before anyone else did.


But some good news, Emery is getting bigger and running out of room to hide his kicks and flips from our hands.  (he always hid if he felt us trying to touch him)  But last night his daddy was snuggled up next to him and talking to him, as his daddy kiss him Emery kicked him so hard it hurt me right in his mouth!!  It was hilarious but his dad was so glad to feel his strong little boy, even if he was using his face to turn around haha.

Emotions

Though today was an emotional day I am getting through it.  I finally found some preemie outfits for Emery, now I have a few newborn and a few preemie ones.  They seem so tiny, it breaks my heart!!

I have felt alone all day though.  This is really testing my husband and I and our daughter.  We are all handling it differently which makes it hard to communicate sometimes.  But though its difficult I know we all love each other.  Even if its just us forever we will be together and will make it through these really hard times.  As I write this and my son bounces around in my belly I only pray for some time with with him alive.  Any moment I will have with him will be a blessing.

Here are some pictures I took tonight.

 This is one newborn, and one preemie outfit to wear under his sweater.

Look how tiny the preemie one is, I thought the newborn one was small!!

 Here is the preemie outfit on my belly, looks like it will fit, unless he keeps growing!!

These are rover and rover :)  We made the dark brown one at build a bear when I found out I was expecting him.  Then as we were looking through old toys to donate we found the light brown one, I didn't even know we had the same one!!  But my daughter is thrilled, one for Emery and a matching one for her, she wants them to both be named Rover.

Clock keeps ticking (far to quickly)

Each day that passes I feel like I am running out of time.  I have to much to do before my son arrives, I just want everything to be perfect, and ready to go.  I need to pack a hospital bag for me, and all the keepsakes for him, just in case he makes an earlier appearance.   Also I need to pack a bag for my daughter, so she can stay at her grandparents after he is born.  Then I need to take all sorts of pictures for a scrapbook I am making for us.  Hopefully tomorrow is nice enough so I can try to get some of those pictures done!!  I need to get maternity pictures taken when I can arrange it.  I need to call the funeral home and make some more arrangements that I have thought of.  Plus Christmas is coming, and I need to finish getting presents together, and making sure my house is clean.  It just feels like this  endless list.

Had a nice day with Emery bumping all over inside though, he really liked the pot stickers I have been craving and finally made for dinner :)  I am sure going to miss him inside me!  Glad that he is safe and comfy and giving me some time to get things together before he comes :)

The countdown begins

10 weeks left until my son's due date.  I should be so happy, getting his room together, making sure we are stocked on diapers and clothes, getting the house in order and instead I want to just lay in bed.  I have no energy to even get up and pick up my house, I just don't seem to care much.  This should be such a happy time for us preparing for our baby but it isn't.  The only happy times I have with him are when I lay down and he beats me up from the inside.  But in the mean time I feel like I am failing as a mom and wife.  I don't want to clean cook or do laundry.  I really don't even want to get up and shower because constantly my mind is consumed with the thoughts that there is less and less time every day with my son.  I am 7 months pregnant and there are only 68 days left before his due date.  I could be buying him Christmas presents, excited for next year us to celebrate holidays as a family of 4.  I am thankful we chose to do it this way to give us as much time with him as possible but it is certainly difficult some days.

A year ago I was finding out I was pregnant.  But as it turns out the month of December and January of last year proved to just be heartbreaking.  First was a roller coaster of is the baby ok or isn't it.  Then they eventually decided I had a miscarriage.  I opted for a D&C instead of "just letting it happen" as the doctor suggested.  4 days after my husbands birthday in January we went in to the hospital and I had the surgery.  A week later, still sad but happy to be moving forward I went to go check up with the doctor.  I went alone as it was just to make sure I was healing correctly, and I felt fine so I figured it was no big deal, right?   The doctor examines me and says I am healing fine but something was wrong, he said he will be back in a minute to talk with me.  A million thoughts are racing through my head as I am alone in the room.  He comes in and tell me I had a molar pregnancy.  What it meant was I would need weekly blood tests until my HCG came down to 100 then every 2 weeks until it was below a 5 then every month after for a whole year!!  He said that I couldn't get pregnant during this time because the molar pregnancy can cause cancer if it comes back so they need to keep it out of my body.  Terrified I drove to my husbands work found him and collapsed.  Not only had I lost the baby I thought I was going to be having but now I might end up with cancer??!?  and I couldn't try again in a few months to get pregnant like after a normal miscarriage.  I was devastated.  But I decided against birth control since I had no idea what caused the molar pregnancy I just wanted my body to be ok and "normal" again without more problems.  I did however start taking anxiety medicine as my anxiety was through the roof!!! Not daily just as needed as a difficult day arose.  Then it came to June.  Half way through June I started to feel pregnant.  Just weird symptoms that would come and go. I went a few days early for my monthly blood test and then called the next day instead of waiting to hear.  The nurse looks it up and says "oh my God!! your HCG is 18,000 and 4 weeks ago it was a 1,  there is no way this can be a normal pregnancy it went way too high way too fast.  Come in tomorrow for an ultrasound."  Great the day of my daughters birthday and I think I have cancer.  We go in the next day for the ultrasound, and SURPRISE I am 6 weeks 5 days pregnant!!  I was shocked and so overjoyed.  It meant that I was ok, we were having a baby, and the molar hadn't come back(if it was going to it would have been then).  The doctor said everything looks good, there is the heartbeat.  I was ecstatic, my baby had a heartbeat, I didn't have cancer and my body wasn't ruined (like I thought after the molar).  The whole beginning of my pregnancy was great, our families were happy for us and I was thrilled to tell my daughter that she got to be a big sister.  We even got to find out on our anniversary that it was a boy!!  What could go wrong right?
A week later that's when my world came crashing down.  11 weeks ago I found out that my son wouldn't get to come home with us.  My miracle baby would never get to grow up in our home.  The past 11 weeks have gone by SO quickly, and now I have even less time then that left with him safe and sound inside.  I cling to every moment with him knowing I am one step closer to his last.  As unfortunate as it is, he has changed my world.  He isn't even born yet and has taught me an unreal amount of strength.  Though some days are like today, where id rather just be alone in bed, I keep going.  I am getting through this so I can be there to show him all the care and Love in the world.  

Finding the joy

Today was my appointment at the hospital to get registered for pre-admissions.  We decided to go with what hospital we thought would be the best to have him at.  Actually it was the other hospital then we planned on.  We originally wanted to have our son at the hospital that both my husband and I were born at, but after numerous bad experiences we picked the other one.  It is so much newer and the staff sees to love their jobs rather then be annoyed by your presence.  But the most sweet nurse helped get my paperwork done, she was also the one who gave my husband and I the tour.  Her name is Helen, and during the tour we told her about our son and his diagnoses she cried and hugged me, she is genuinely so sweet!!  She answered all my questions today, and the hospital is pretty willing to do whatever I want to make the best our of a sad experience.  It was so nice knowing I have all these people who are going to be helping me!  She also told me to have them call her when I was admitted so she can come see me and meet Emery.  I am glad I found such a great hospital, since I know many people are not that lucky and have a hard time getting anything they want.

Also I just wanted to say thanks so that the whole world can see it to the most amazing lady.  She made my son a gown to bury him in.  And actually she made 2 so that no matter what one will fit him.  Also I had sent her a ribbon from my wedding dress and she incorporated it into both gowns.  I cannot thank her enough for taking something so special to me and turning it into something beautiful and special for him.  She also included in the package a large fabric envelope for keepsakes, a prayer blanket for me and out of the same material as the gowns made my daughter a little purse, its so beautiful and thoughtful.  What a kind woman to have made so many special things for a stranger.

The blanket, envelope and one of the 2 gowns.

I am so glad I will have wonderful things for my little boy and his short time with us.  My mom made him a hat and sweater to dress him in while we having him.  My grandma made matching booties and a blanket.  And now something beautiful to lay him to rest in.  He will have everything he needs.  Especially a whole world of love!  He means so much to me and I am happy that I can give him such meaningful things. (since I certainly can't make these beautiful things myself).  

I am striving daily to find the joy.  And today I have in the hospital staff and the kindness of strangers all coming together to help me love on my little boy.

After a week of roller coasters, here are some pictures

My daughter had been gone all last weekend, talk about LONELY without her.  We finally got her back Tuesday and got to go see our sweet little boy.  Then Wednesday I was in the hospital because my iron levels got too low.  Thursday was just hard for me, being Thanksgiving and knowing it was the only one my son would have.  I don't remember Friday, I guess it was uneventful but then saturday was amazing.  We celebrated Thanksgiving with my family.  Afterwards I even got to take a nap while my husband and daughter went to the park.  Then when I woke up we went for a walk around the river. And on the way home I realized how close we were to the parade of light!! It wasn't the actual parade but it was all the floats and where they started.  We walked all the way down one side, and back up the other.  I am exhausted by this point but we ate dinner, decorated the Christmas tree and made Christmas cookies.  It was so nice to have a day with my family.  I appreciate them SO much.

As I had said though we got an ultrasound on Tuesday.  I posted the first half of the video, but I thought I would share some pictures of our handsome little boy :)

 I love how you can see all the details in his face. :) he certainly looks like his family!!

 Looks like he was making a kissy face, though he was probably drinking, since he seemed extremely hungry :)

 Best one of the front of his face since it was hard to get any pictures at all!!

 Another one of most of his face.

Taking a BIG drink, it looks like his tongue but he was just thirsty.

Here is his foot, the other one was too wiggly but at least I finally got one!

My little dragonfly

SO while I was pregnant with my daughter butterflies seemed to follow me everywhere.  It got to the point where we called her butterfly princess, I saw way more butterflies then I had ever seen before. Even now every birthday she has, butterflies flying all around her.  She has some connection with butterflies, its pretty cool, and totally explainable.  This time around Emery has something special too, dragonflies.  I have probably in my whole life have seen less then 5 dragonflies, until this pregnancy.  I live in the middle of a desert and I have seen more dragonflies then I ever have!!  In my backyard, at the park, everywhere.  After he is no longer with me I will always be able to remember every time I see a dragonfly how special my time with my son was to me.

Yesterday was our last ultrasound until we hold our son in our arms.  And boy is this little one stubborn!! :)  He spent the entire ultrasound with his head in my hip bone with his face buried in the placenta, making it quiet difficult to get a picture!!  It took my husband, the ultrasound tech and I all taking turns pushing him to one side of my belly to just move his face a little out of my hip!  Silly little boy.  Also the whole time he was drinking tons of fluid, and he looked like he was licking and trying to bite the placenta, it was too funny!!  He wiggled his tongue all over trying to get a drink, and ended up drinking so much that he gave himself the hiccups.  It was so special since we probably wouldn't have gotten to ever see him hiccup ever.  But it is good news he is drinking, it means that I wont fill up with fluid, and it also means if he survives delivery that he can eat as well. :)  I love love love that we had this amazing time to spend watching him.

After a long weekend that my daughter spent away with her cousin, the day ended so wonderfully.  We missed our little girl so much we finally had her back at home, plus the amazing ultrasound, then I got home to an email from a wonderful lady.  The email said she had finished the angel gown for my son.  She made not one but 2 gowns for him so that no matter what size he is, he has something that will fit him perfectly.  She also let me make a very special request to add the ribbon that tied up my wedding dress to it.  I mailed it to her on Friday and Tuesday I get an email saying that she finished both of them and made something out of the same material for my daughter.  HOW AMAZING.  She is such a wonderful lady, and I am so lucky to have found her.  I can't wait to see how the gowns turned out,  I am sure they are completely perfect and more amazing then I could have imagined.

It is such a tragedy that anyone has to go through losing a baby, but the women that have are really incredible amazing women.  They understand what your feeling in a way that even your husband can't.  I pray for these women to find peace, since its completely heartbreaking to go through a situation like this one.  Babies are such a gift, even the ones who unfortunately are not with us very long.

Second Ultrasound

Here is the video of the 28 week ultrasound.  It was very hard to get a picture since he was behind my hip bone with his face in the placenta.  We had to push him to one side of my belly just to get any sort of picture.  So anytime the camera is shaking its because he are pushing him all over trying to get the stubborn little boy to move some.  Thankfully with all the pushing we got some great shots.  He also was very thirsty and was drinking tons of fluid the whole time.  Just about 10 minutes in you can see him drinking, and at 11:35 he wiggles his tongue around!! Also in the second half of the video he got the hiccups from drinking so much but it is not on this one (will have to add the other one later).

Update after the doctors appointment...

Had another check up today, lost another 2 pounds but Emery seems happy where he is.  Heart beat is still strong and I am the correct size.  She says the fact I have been sick a lot lately is most likely due to my stomach running out of room.  Tomorrow I will be 28 weeks pregnant and that means that my son is about 2.4 pounds, according to the average.  Funny I feel so small to be THIS pregnant.  I also talked to the doctor about the possibility of doing a genetic test.  I found out that there is a mutation with a certain gene that can cause anecenephaly, and precclampsia and a million other things.  I have also read about a lot of these women who have it having had molar pregnancies too.  Since I have had a complication with every pregnancy I asked if I could get tested.  She told me after Emery is born they can send me to a specialist and see if anything is wrong.  I am so glad they are willing to do that so that I dont keep trying to have kids ending in such difficult pregnancies.  Fingers crossed everything is ok, or at least there is a way to fix it if it isn't.  But I am glad I will get to know.  84 days until my due date.

So much to be thankful for...

One week from Thanksgiving and I am realizing how much in my life I have to be thankful for.  Even as life throws millions of curb balls at you, even ones that seem completely impossible to get around, it has a way of teaching you.  I am coming into what will be one of the hardest Thanksgivings I have had in my life.  I kept thinking about how hard it was going to be to find happiness when it was my son's only Thanksgiving, and he has to experience it from inside me.  I am looking for joy in each day I have with him and I think I learned a real lesson in how to be Thankful.  Though I am losing my son I have met so many amazing women who have sadly lost their own babies.  It has taught me to have an unreal amount of strength.  It has also showed me how much they have done for others just because they know how hard it is.  There are ladies who make baskets for the hospital to give to grieving mothers, or clothes for preemie's or terminally I'll babies.  I also met a lady who sadly lost her daughter.  I threw a crazy request out there asking if she would include part of my wedding dress in the burial gowns she makes.  She is so generous and I mailed off my piece to her today.  She also is making me 2 different sizes so that he has one to fit him no matter what.  I cannot ever thank her enough for making something so meaningful to me!!!  You are able to find thanks all over in many ways.  Life is hard and way to short to spend it not being thankful.  I love my family, and friends and all the new people I have met in my life.  I am thankful for any moment I have with my son and I will continue to treasure it for my entire lifetime.

3D ultrasound at 22 weeks.

Here is the first half of our ultrasound at 22 weeks with Emery.  It was done on 10/6/2012.  Hopefully I can upload the other half soon but for some reason this is the only one that was available on the computer, the rest is on a dvd.  The dvd is also better sound quality if I ever get it to work.

Mixed emotions

I seem to be having a lot of good days lately with enjoying the time I have with my little boy but every once and a while reality seems to slap me in the face all over again.  Last night I had some braxton hicks contractions, and it made me feel so sick and uncomfortable.  But it made me really realize that I should get our bags packed...just in case since we have no idea what will happen.  Then today when I went to the store it made me so sad looking at all the winter clothes for little boys.  I wish some days I could avoid it completely, but where it is located it is impossible to get around.  I was excited to have a winter baby and bundle him up I thought it would be so cute.  Now I don't need to plan to bundle for my winter boy since chances are he will never leave the hospital.  Some days  it just leaves me a little bummed thinking about.  Also after the contractions last night(which I never had with my daughter) I am scared for the possibility of what if he doesn't make it to our next ultrasound.  I want as many pictures as possible and I hope he is comfy inside so he stays there for the next 90 days.  That's right, only 90 days until my due date.  Time is flying by,  I will love to kiss on those little cheeks.

One door shuts

Today was the last day of my job and as a full time student up until June.  It is SO crazy to me because this has been my whole life.  I will miss my job and all the people I work with and really hope once I am in school again I can go back there.  Sadly my job is tied to being in a minimum of 6 credit hours.  Today was the very last day to withdraw from classes, and being behind I had to so I can keep a good GPA.  But now here we are with no income.  I am so scared and so stressed.  It seems like everything in my life is crumbling into pieces and I am not sure I can get enough glue to fix it all!!  

I also am struggling with the fact that other people's lives seem so damn perfect.  I know deep down they aren't but at least they are DAMN GOOD at faking it.  I am frustrated.  I am tired of complaining about how stupid my life is but writing about it is just about the only thing making it easier for me to put my emotions aside.  As I close the computer and I have finished typing I am able to shut down these thoughts and move on with my day to find the happiness in the small moments.

But since this blog is about my beautiful little boy and not myself I figured I would let everyone know he seems very comfortable where he is at for now (thank goodness!!)  I have another check up in a week from today.  I can feel him move every day, sometimes certain days more then others. And I also have a doppler so that I am able to hear his heartbeat when I want to.  I hope he stays comfy for many more days so I can carry him with me as long as possible.  

And here is a picture of him from the side of his face,  he is so adorable and I cannot wait to kiss his cheeks!! Though I wish I could do it forever!!

What is real?

It is hard enough to really realize that you are having a baby.  Things like a baby shower, and arranging a nursery help but its an unreal experience to grasp.  For months after I had my daughter I would sit back and suddenly think wow I am really a mom.  It is such a lifestyle change it rocks your whole universe and changes  the reality you knew.  So this pregnancy?  How can I grasp reality of my son being born when I have the reality of his looming death as well.  I haven't experienced death of someone close to me, and now that I do it has to be my son, my own flesh and blood.  This precious baby I never got to know as a person, to watch him learn or grow will be gone in an instant.  I still have days where it seems almost impossible to believe I am having a son.  Even typing those words seem wrong, and so foreign to me.  I am having a son.  I will have one daughter and one son in just a matter of weeks.  It feels strange that nothing is "ready" for him to be here, and then I remember what types of things I need.  He needs a blanket and an outfit.  He has a stuffed dog we got him when I found out I was pregnant and a lion rattle my daughter got him.  I have talked to a photographer and funeral home.  I have as much planned with the doctors as possible.  Its unreal that this is how I have to plan for my son's arrival.  I wish I could decorate a nursery that he could sleep in. And buy a billion cute outfits to wear.  I wish that I didn't have to plan a zillion pictures to remember the few short moments in time I will have with him.  It all seems impossible to believe.  How did this become my life?  My son's life?  It is hard to imagine my hello will also mean goodbye.

Catching up with pictures

 My Favorite picture of him, it makes me smile every time.

 View of the side of him, you can see his head and how much is there.

 View of his face, with a little half smile :)

 His first snow, got to experience it while nice and warm haha.

 Emery with mom and his big sister. 20 weeks pregnant.

 Emery's stuff in mom and dads room.

Happy fall.

Finding the positives

A few days ago it was Halloween.  The first holiday since I have found out my son wasn't going to ever spend any of them with us.  Before I knew of his condition every thing we did I would think next year we will be a family of  4, and we get to bring BOTH kids.  I was so excited by the idea of getting to show him the world and see him experience everything for the first time.  I was having a hard time making it through the day thinking of how badly I wanted things to be different.  I was devastated by the fact this was going to be his only Halloween.  But I dressed up and took my daughter out, and really turned the day around.  I made a fun day out of it.  I dressed up as a redneck, I had a long wig and put in beer can curlers, then I wore a ripped up shirt, and rocked my "beer" belly :)  It was pretty hilarious, everyone thought I should have entered the costume contest.  As hard as it is sometimes to focus on positives I am so glad I turned the day around and made it a positive day to remember.

Today I am 26 weeks pregnant.  What that means is in only 6 short days I will be in my third and final trimester of this pregnancy.  It is something that is normally a really happy time, like the countdown to baby is on, less then a 100 days and only a matter of weeks and you will be holding your baby in your arms.  I normally would be SO happy but this time I am really scared.  I am scared for the unknown, scared for how fast the time is flying by, scared to let go of my son.  Luckily at the doctors yesterday I was told his heart sounds good, and I am not measuring too big (meaning my fluid isn't too high) and I am healthy.  I haven't gained any weight (though you may be fooled from my belly size) and my blood pressure is good, and my glucose test was normal.  So for now my little boy is comfy.  Since anything can happen with this I feel good getting everything checked.  Now my bimonthly appointments start, they will be checking his heartbeat and my fluid levels twice a month up until January.  His heart could suddenly stop beating or if he isn't drinking fluid my belly could swell up and I will have to get induced.  Also the doctor said she will deliver me on my due date if I haven't had him before.  Originally I was told I had to wait until a week after, which I didn't want for several reasons.  My due date is Feb 9th and for some reason I have always loved that date.  I don't want him to come sooner since I want as much time as I can have.  Also the 8th is my mother in laws birthday and I wanted to have him get his own day, since we have no idea how things are going to go.  And then if they made me wait a week it would be on the 16th.  2 days after Valentines day and 2 days before my brothers birthday.  I don't his death surrounding my mother in laws or my brothers birthday.  I guess he will have time to pick his time and if not it will be the 9th :) whatever it is we will smile about and take it as it comes.

Where does blame belong?

I have been very open an honest about my son's condition.  In my eyes it makes him no less of a person, no less of a son then he otherwise would.  But this world is so judgmental do they blame me?  I wonder when I tell people my baby has a neural tube defect that they think I caused it.  Maybe they think I was drinking, or using drugs, that maybe this was for the best that he won't grow up in my house.  It breaks my heart.  I didn't drink or smoke, I didn't do anything wrong.  I don't think I am a horrible person, or mother.  But I wonder how other people feel?  I keep trying to say it doesn't matter, and I guess it doesn't, I just wonder.  Whenever I explain that yes my son is due in February but unfortunately he won't make it I always get an apology  and a look...what is that look??  I am not asking for sympathy, or anything else, I just want no one to ask questions once he is born.  I want the time after he is in born for me to process as I need to without ever having to answer questions on a bad day.
I am carrying my angel, and I love him with all my heart. I don't know how much time I have left with him but I love every second I have left.

Trying to maintain a little normal

Our first trip to the pumpkin patch was last Wednesday, the 17th of October.  We have never taken Marlee to one and neither my husband or I have been since we were kids.  We went with Marlee's play group and she picked the biggest pumpkin she could carry.  Randall and I picked out a small round one for Emery since it will be his only trip, and Marlee picked a tiny one for him as well.  We took a couple of pictures while we were there but I want some more since none turned out quite how I wanted.  Maybe we can go take our pumpkins to the park sometime this week.  Also Emery has been kicking away lately, watching my belly jump as he is trying to get comfy :)  He likes music and when I have my laptop on my lap.  He also must like candy since I have a constant craving for it!!  I also HAD to have a blue raspberry slushie today, which I normally hate, how funny.  My grandma finished crocheting his blanket a few days ago, and also surprised me with a precious pair of booties that match.  My mom is making him a hat and sweater, I love that he will be surrounded by love as he is with us.  I am so thankful for the home maid clothes, how special!

I am still sad that every day is one day less I have with him but I am trying to focus on positives right now.  I love my little bug :)

Just another day

I am overwhelmed by how far I am behind in school!!! All my focus has been on my own personal life mostly with my son, and planning all of this out, now I suddenly realize I have homework for days!  Thank  goodness I don't have the kind of job I can get behind in or I'd never catch up!  Also I pulled my daughter from preschool so now I have daily home school lessons for her since her school was so ridiculous and she was learning nothing.

I feel like I am stretched so thinly all the time I have left for my husband is spent in silence.  At least he doesn't really want to talk, I think the idea of losing his son is pretty scary to him too.  He tells me every day how lucky I am to have this bond, to feel him move everyday and know he is so close to me.  He had never told me he wanted a son, he always said it didn't matter.  But once we had found out we were having our son I think he was so excited, and now completely devastated.  During our ultrasound over the weekend I promised myself I wouldn't cry.  I wanted to just think of the positives, but once he started to cry I just started at the screen showing our son, didn't blink, and I just squeezed my husbands hand and focused on biting my lip.  I made it through without crying, brought the dvd home, turned it on and broke down.  He was so perfect, it is so hard to believe my baby boy will soon be an angel.  I know you can see what is wrong with him physically, its obvious but to me it wouldn't ever matter, if only there were a way to have him make it, i'd do or give almost anything to make it happen.

On a happier note, he is moving lots more, its a mix of happy and sad with every kick though, knowing how much I'll be missing it.  But my daughter got to feel her brother kick for the first time today, it was amazing.  He always hides when you touch my stomach, so I didn't know if she would ever feel it. My husband has only felt him a few times, when he is very still.  Silly baby boy, I love you.

I better stop writing on here though and get on doing my homework before I'm too tired to be awake though.  Goodnight, thanks for reading.

Something is wrong.

SO I know my blog has started out with me pouring out how I'm feeling without an actual story of what ended me up here. Its a longs story but I'll start from the beginning to catch everything up to speed.


Lets start in December 2011 since that's when I began riding this nightmarish roller coaster.  December 7, 2012 I go to a clinic and have a pregnancy test, I knew deep down I was pregnant I just wanted to confirm with a doctor level type of test.  The test came back positive, as I knew it would, they do an ultrasound to confirm(and to convince people not to abort, which I wouldn't do).  The ultrasound just showed a tiny round dot(my uterus) and it looked empty.  I was nervous but the tech said it was probably just too early and they scheduled me to come back on the 20th  of that month. The next day I called my doctor and they told me to come in and take a pregnancy test.  As I took the test I noticed a little blood, so when the nurse came back to my room I told her.  They sent me straight to OB(which is just upstairs) and I waited to see a midwife.  The midwife came in and told me don't worry, its just implantation bleeding but they will do an HCG test to put my mind at easy.  I went to the lab and got blood drawn that day, and was told to come back Monday(since it was a Thursday).  They called me Wednesday and told me everything more then doubled as it was supposed to so not to worry.  I had my ultrasound scheduled for the 20th and my doctors appointment not until the 29th.  At the ultrasound on the 20th my uterus had grown a lot and it certainly wasn't empty anymore but it didn't look like a baby.  At this point I should have been 7 and a half weeks and they should have found a heartbeat, but didn't.  She assured my my dates were just off and said since I had a doctors appointment just to follow up with them.  December 24th when I woke up I was bleeding again.  It hadn't happened since that first day and I had cramps, but it was never that much and I was so busy with packing to go to my parents house for Christmas I assumed it was stress related.  It continued through the next few days and the day after Christmas I told my dad I was pregnant.  My mom wasn't feeling well but things were just not feeling right, I took my dad aside and told him,  I told him something felt weird and I was having problems.  I asked him to tell my mom, since I thought she would be mad, he hugged me and we came home.  The morning of the 27th I woke up with horrible cramps, and bleeding lots more then I had been.  I asked my grandparents to take me to the hospital while my husband slept.  At the hospital I had an ultrasound and a blood test.  My HCG levels came back at 11,000 but the ultrasound was still not looking like a "baby".  They told me it was a "threatened miscarriage" meaning I probably would have a miscarriage but still things could be fine, to follow up with my doctors in a few days.  Finally it was my doctors appointment on the 29th.  They did the standard first appointment check up and scheduled me with the doctor in the office to have an ultrasound.  They also checked my HCG levels.  Levels were up to 23000 so they weren't worried, just waiting on that ultrasound.  January 4th was my ultrasound with the doctor.  He walked in my room whistling, did the ultrasound, without letting me see the screen, stood up said you've had a miscarriage and walked out whistling.  I sat there stunned!!  WELL SORRY I INTERRUPTED YOUR DAY JERK.  His nurse told me to follow up with an ultrasound in a week just to make sure.  One week later I was back to see the jerk, and made him show me the screen.  He showed my my uterus was not empty and told me there was no heartbeat, and at this point no way it would be a normal pregnancy.  They said I could just wait for my body to get it out but there would be lots of bleeding due to the amount of tissue.  I asked if I could have a D&C.  I am a full time student, mom and wife and I work part time.  I couldn't imagine just starting to gush blood unexpectedly.  I wanted it scheduled on the 20th, since I couldn't wait too long but didn't want to spend my husbands birthday(Jan 16th) sad and sore.  The 20th of January I had my D&C.  I was sad but I was ok.  I had my follow up appointment, to make sure I was healing correctly on the 27th.  The doctor checked me and I looked fine, but he said something is wrong, get dressed and I'll be back to talk to you.  I went to my appointment alone, my husband was at work but I figured, no big deal.  Now I was alone in the waiting room feeling my heart pound out of my chest.  What could have been wrong????  He comes in and tells me it was not a miscarriage, it was a molar pregnancy. He said I need repeat blood tests weekly until my HCG was 100 then bi weekly until it was under 5 then every month for a year.  I was told not to get pregnant since if the "mole" came back I would need chemo.  They needed to know it was a mole and not a pregnancy so they could get rid of it quickly without hurting the baby.  End of March my blood was finally under 5.  Went for my test in April, and May all was normal.



Here begins the story of Emery.  Midway through June I started to feel pregnant.  I was so scared the mole was back, I didn't want to go through chemo!  I went in a few days earlier then normal for my blood test, just to know what was going on.  The call comes in the next day.  Your HCG is up to 22,000.  I panic, the nurse says to jump from 1 to 22,000 in a month, its not a normal pregnancy, and schedules me for an ultrasound that Thursday June 21st.  My mind is racing,  no I was not on any birth control.  I decided not to after the molar since it was rare and I didn't really fit any of the "normal" causes of it. Also because of the molar pregnancy I hadn't had any periods.  Not since November 4th before i got pregnant with the molar. June 20th was my daughters 4th birthday, making for an extra long day with my worrying.  I had told my family, so that everyone already knew what I was going in for on Thursday.  My grandparents watched my daughter.  My husband and I sat in the ultrasound room, watching the seconds tick by.  The doctor walks in and does the ultrasound.  He turns the screen and says, everything looks normal, your measuring 6 weeks 5 days, and right there is the heartbeat.   I started to cry.  I was actually pregnant!! I thought I could dance around the room!  He tells me my Due date is February 9th 2013.  I start calculating dates, got pregnant for my birthday, found out for my daughters and was due the day after my mother in laws. HOW COOL.

Saturday June 23 was my daughters birthday party.  All our family came down and that evening I told everyone.  I was 7 weeks pregnant and we were so happy things were normal this time.  July 12th I had another ultrasound with the doctor.  He found a cyst on my ovary during the first ultrasound that he wanted to monitor. We saw the little baby again, growing, heart still strong.  After that appointment we decided to tell our daughter she was going to be a big sister.  She was ecstatic!!! She has been asking for a brother or sister for months and it was so awesome to tell her we could give that to her. We had a follow up ultrasound 3 weeks later since my cyst had grown.  This time we brought our daughter so she could see the little baby.  He as so squirmy but we could see all his little bones, it melted me.  This time my cyst had gone down a little, thank goodness, no surgery at 20 weeks pregnant for me!! He said I don't need to see him again until after the baby is born to check on the cyst and make sure the molar doesn't come back(since I'm at a higher risk getting pregnant within a year of my D&C)  All my check ups were normal and everything was going great with my pregnancy.  August 10th came and passed, I was scared for that day as it was when I would have been due.  But I was ok, I knew I was fine now that I had another healthy baby growing inside me!! My next doctors appointment was September 5th.  I planned it that way as it was my husband and my 3rd wedding anniversary and the midwife told me she would do an ultrasound to try and determine the sex.  I went in for my appointment, everything checked out normal.  She asked if I wanted to do the blood test for downs, trisomy, ect.  I said why not, insurance pays for it, though I was extremely low risk for anything.  I'm only 22 have a healthy kid, no family history, the test was no worry of mine.  Then she brought us in to the ultrasound room.  My little baby would not sit still, but we got a side view, she said I wont promise, but I'm pretty sure its a boy, but wait until the hospital ultrasound in a few weeks to tell everyone.  I was thrilled, I saw it, I was sure it was a little boy, NO WAY they were telling me it was a girl.  I told my close friends and my family of course.  Days were dragging on as we waited for the 26th to get here so I could tell the world I was having a son.

But things never really go as planned right??  I get a message from my doctor on the night of the 12th.  It said I am calling you about your lab work from last week, please call me back.  I did, only 8 minutes later but never got to speak to her. All night I am scared thinking what is wrong with my baby, does he have down syndrome? My poor son. The next day I called again 3 times.  Finally I talked to a sweet nurse, she said my midwife was out but they would have a doctor return my call.  I get the call at work, this doctor I've never met says "your baby is at risk for having a brain or spinal defect".  I almost fainted, what does that mean????  She told me the doctor who does the ultrasounds could see me at 6 pm for an ultrasound to see whats going on.  I called my mom, they offered to come down and I said ok, feeling silly for having my family drive an hour to come to an ultrasound.  My mother in law also came down.  I spent the day at work nervous and ready to leave.  My boss let me go home early, and when I did I started doing research online to see what could possibly be wrong.  I saw spina bifida, which scared me, I didn't want my son to have such a hard life!! I also saw something called anencephaly, it seemed so scary.  I looked at the ultrasound pics of each so that I could know what I was looking at.  

As it comes to time for my appointment my brother, his girlfriend and my daughter go to my grandparents house while my mom, dad and mother in law and husband head to the doctors office.  We are all in the room, watching the screen, silently.  I see his spine, everything looks normal, so its not spina bifeda, maybe the test was wrong, it isn't 100 percent accurate.  I try to break the silence by asking what he thinks it is, girl or boy? He says boy, but we will need to do an internal ultrasound since his head is as low as it can be.  He gets his nurse and comes back in.  As they are doing the ultrasound I see the screen, his head doesn't look right can it really be anencephaly??  We are all silent, I'm the only one who knows what he saw, I say you see something wrong don't you?  He says yes, get dressed and I will be back.  I put my pants on and he comes back in.  I almost don't hear the words come out of his mouth.  My mom asks what that means and I turn around and say, he doesn't have a top of his head or brain, he will die no matter what.  Everyone starts crying except me and my husband.  Then the doctor tells me there is no way this is related to the molar pregnancy.  I asked can I end this pregnancy?  I couldn't imagine carrying him to term how could I deal with all the questions, then what happens.  He told me he didn't know that I would have to see the specialist.  He couldn't even look at me and said I am so sorry.  He was the same doctor who told me I had a miscarriage, then that it was a molar pregnancy, and now he had tears in his eyes.  This cold hearted guy felt genuinely bad for me. Later that night my husband and I both broke down.  I just wanted to be safe in my own house before I totally lost it. 

My appointment with the specialist was scheduled for the following monday, the 17th of September.  I was 19 weeks and 2 days pregnant,  the office was amazing, the staff was so sweet, and the lady doing the ultrasound was amazing.  The same people were in the room, both moms were crying, and my husband stood holding my hand the whole time.  Over the weekend I had done a bunch of research.  I decided I wanted to carry my baby, and I could handle all the questions.  He was my son, my first son, and I could feel him move and kick, I couldn't let go of him.  The only thing I couldn't find was about organ donation.  But since I knew I wanted to keep him and every memory I could I asked the tech for pics of him. I loved watching the screen, seeing his tiny little body.  Everything about him was perfect, all organs worked and all his body parts were there, except for the top of his poor little head.  After the ultrasound the doctor explained that it happened between 21 and 28 days of gestation, before I even knew I was pregnant.  He told me if I had had an accurate official ultrasound they could have diagnosed it at 12 weeks.  I was so angry by the fact they were making me wait until 20 weeks when i could have known months before!!! The specialist explained that what happened is for whatever reason, the bones in his head never connected, and when they didnt the pressure from the fluid collapsed the unconnected bones causing his brain to not be able to develop.  I also was told unfortunately I couldn't donate his organs.  The government will not declare these babies brain dead, and when they do die the seizure will have ruined his organs.  He told me chances of it happening again are low and when I want to get pregnant again I will need to take 4mg of folic acid and prenatal vitamins for at least 3 months before I try.  He also said I can try again 6 months after I give birth so my body has time to recover.  

We told my daughter the angels are going to take her brother once he is born.  We also explained he is sick and unfortunately we can't take him home.  She is devastated but is working her way through it.

This is pretty much the story thus far.  I am now 22 weeks pregnant and anything could happen.  He could die during the pregnancy, during delivery or any time after.  We have no idea how anything will go we just have to be thankful for every day we have with him, and every moment he is alive and in our lives.  He will always be in our hearts.  I will update throughout our journey and record all of our memories of him.  I do this for me, as I want to look back and have every memory possible, and know how far we have made it through our journey.

Reality is setting in...

What does it mean to realize, the child your have created and carried inside you never gets to grow up in your home?

We had a 3d ultrasound of our beautiful son yesterday, I was a rock through the whole thing, just thankful to be seeing his adorable little face.  As I looked around the room and watched various members of our families wiping tears from their eyes I realized the effect it was having on everyone.  They are losing a grandson or a nephew, even a great grandson,  without ever getting to hold him and play with him.  As sad and hard as it is to know a member of your family is dying without ever having a chance at life, being a parent of  the child has to be even harder.   Everyone's heart breaks for him, and for us, but our heart just stays broken.  How hard will it be to watch him take his last breath and have to let him go?   I think they will have to pry him out of my arms.  He is my soul, he is my son and I am not ready for him to be dying!!  I wish I could have a chance to watch him grow up and learn.  I want to watch his sister play with him and help take care of him, and watch my kids interact with each other.
As sad as I am about this situation it has brought me unreal amounts of strength!  I never knew I could find a way to make it through day by day knowing my kid was fatally diagnosed.  I cherish the moments I'll only ever have in pictures memories and videos.  I pray my daughter has the chance to hold him, meet him and kiss his little cheeks.  I do not know what to expect from this situation, it feels so out of control.  All I can do it CHOOSE to be happy with the time I have with him.  Treat him like my son, tell his story and find a way to fight for every minute of his brief lifetime.  Years from now as I look back I want to remember that though I was sad, I stood strong and found the love in the moments.  Whether I have more kids, or not he will always be my son,  my first born son, and his soul will not be forgotten.  I gave him a piece of my heart,  I never want it back, I want to share it with him forever.
These are the moments I can never replay.  I want to give him the  best I can for the whole time he has, in and out of my belly.  I love you little boy.  Your daddy and sister love you too.  So does all of our family's  you are loved more then you will ever know, but I pray we show you the best we possibly can.

Emery

I wanted to start a blog to document how we are making it through the toughest times of my life.  I want to be able to vent, but look back and realize how  far we have come.  Today I am 21 weeks pregnant with my little boy.  I've dreamed of having a son, I wanted his daddy to teach him to play sports and for him to love and look out for his sister.  Unfortunately a few weeks ago I found out our son has anecephaly.  After much research and speaking with doctors and specialists the short story is his head and brain didn't develop the way it should have.  Back before I even knew I was pregnant the bones for the top if his head were forming, for whatever reason they never connected and closed the way they should have.  Since it didn't connect it let the bones weak, the pressure from the fluid most likely crushed the small bones that were there.  Without a safe place for his brain it wasn't able to keep growing because the fluid pressure prevented it from developing further.  So what does this mean for him, for us?  I was devastated, it is really unknown how long he will survive. He may not make it through pregnancy, or through delivery, and if he is a strong little fighter and is born alive he could live minutes, hours or days there is no way of predicting how this all will play out.  All I know is I don't get to watch my little boy grow up and play with his sister.

As weeks have gone on since we got this news my wonderfully supportive husband and I have decided to carry him to term.  We don't want to play God and chose to end our sons life when it isn't his time. We want the opportunity to take some pictures of him and kiss his little face and love him with every ounce of our bodies.  He deserves the best while we have him! Not to mention he is our little boy and we will always love him, whether he is here in our arms or up in the sky looking over us.  I am thankful for the love and support of our family and friends as we hold on to every second with our son.  I'm sure there is a reason he was chosen not to be a part of this word but i am thankful for every moment with him.  I love feeling him roll around and his little kicks.  I look forward to every ultrasound so I can enjoy every moment I have of seeing him.  Next one is in a week, I pray for the best, as our whole family will be coming.   Thanks for reading I'll update soon since this is just a piece of the puzzle that is my life.